The Future of Go
by ami-chan200
Summary: This is Sai's tale that tells a bit of his past as well as his future with Go beyond what is shown in the series.
1. Chapter One

The Future of Go

by Ami-chan

I don't remember when it started, my obsession with Go, but I do know what it developed into, how, and why. My otousan was very well off and most of the time I was left alone. My okasan could have cared less what I did. So I played by myself and somehow I began to play Go. My otousan began to pay attention to me, but only when I played Go. He even got a tutor for me and my thoughts centered around Go and everything Go.

I was always praised for my dedication to Go and it followed that it became my life, the only thing I lived for. That's how it was and I clung to that as my own future because I could not imagine what I would do if Go did not exist.

So I played Go and loved Go and eventually became a Go instructor to the emperor himself. I was happy. There were no lack of people for me to play with be they male, female, rich, or poor and everyone commented on how strong a player I was. Then _he_ came along.

That is something I have never forgotten and never will forget. Now that I think of it I was rather naïve in that it had never occurred to me that someone would even dare to cheat and that surprise was what caused me to hesitate. It also gave him the opportunity to call me the cheater. My life ended that day in so many ways. It was probably worse than I made it out to be, but to be considered a cheater at a game I had always played fairly at, a game I lived for, was too much.

Drowning myself was not hard. I had never learned to swim because I had always been playing Go. After that I slept for a long time in a state of limbo, my soul asleep but never at rest. When I awakened I met him, Honinbo Shusaku.

I was happy with him because he enjoyed Go as much as I did. Every match we played together, with him placing the stones exactly where I told him to. The matches we played I thrived on and each new challenge I met with eagerly, learning more and more about Go as I went along. Things had changed so much since my time, but the only changes that interested me the most were the ones involving Go.

In many ways I think I loved Shusaku. Or, as much as a long dead spirit can love anyone, I suppose. I went everywhere with him, I whispered comments in his mind to the point where we were almost in constant contact. I never wanted him to die and yet I watched him slowly fade. We both knew he was dying, but he asked me toward the very end to play one more game with him.

So we played. He said I was letting him win and I told him I wasn't even if I was. I told him what a wonderful player he was, how strong he has gotten and he told me it was all my doing. I saw him grow weaker and start to slump forward. I saw the drops of blood.

"Don't leave me, please don't leave me. I don't want to be alone!" If I could have, I would have cried.

"I'm sorry Sai," he told me. There was a faint smile on his lips. Then he said, simply, "Goodbye." Shusaku collapsed on the Go board in front of us and I panicked, trying desperately to revive him, to call him back, but he was gone. When his spirit left him there was no pause, nothing keeping him back and I was left with the shell that had been Honinbo Shusaku, my first and only friend. I tried to shake him, to touch him, anything, but my hands always went right through him. I couldn't move him, I couldn't put him in a better position and I sat there, feeling so entirely empty and alone until his body was finally found.

I had to die to find a friend like Shusaku. That should have worried me, but I only felt sadness at his loss. Unable to take the pain of it, I retreated once more, my spirit resting in the Go board that Shusaku and I had played so many games on.

It was a long time before I awoke again and that was when I met Shindou Hikaru, a boy who knew nothing about Go and wasn't particularly interested in playing either. Naturally I was upset and pestered him and kept pestering him until he began to like Go as much as I did.

That's when I started to become redundant. Shusaku had never told me that I couldn't play for him, but Hikaru was not Shusaku. I began to feel like a leech or, as Hikaru had said before, a spirit merely haunting him. It had been different with Shusaku – he had always listened and acknowledged me and had always included me into his life. With Hikaru I was forced to face reality. I had haunted Shusaku's footsteps as I now haunted Hikaru's and I was nothing more than a worthless, bodiless spirit that was ruining Hikaru's life as I had likely ruined Shusaku's.

I realized that there was really no point for my existence. Hikaru didn't need me and probably never had. It was likely the same with Shusaku. They both might have been better off without me.

No sooner had the thought crossed my mind then I was drifting, just drifting. I thought I was asleep again, in fact I was sure of it, but I wasn't asleep. Because one day it happened, my environment changed and strangely enough I opened my eyes. I actually opened my eyes; I had form and feeling. I was cold and everything looked blurry, but I was not a spirit.

I was an infant.

It alarmed me at first, not being able to move properly, or see properly, but I reasoned that I also had not been in a body in far too long. It would have been even more awkward if I had suddenly been returned as an adult. Now I had a chance to relearn all of those things on my own time, as a child. I didn't even think of whom my new parents were until I was placed in a woman's arms. I don't know why, but I liked her right away. She was tired, but happy and smiling. "Shinji," she said, looking at me. "Yamamoto Shinji."

I wanted to tell her that my name was Fujiwara no Sai, but my mouth was not able to form the words and they came out as strange sounds instead. It was somewhat frustrating and yet I was happy to be in a body once more. Maybe in time I would get used to the name "Shinji."

From the first moment I opened my eyes on that day I began actively trying to improve myself as quickly as possible. I wanted to talk, I wanted to talk, all with the ultimate purpose of being able to play Go again. Without Go I wasn't whole.

"He's the best baby a woman could want! He hardly ever fusses or cries and he always seems to be perfectly content." I turned my head toward 'kasan and she smiled at me. I smiled back. "Sometimes I think he understands every word I say."

"Nonsense," the lady that 'kasan had run into at the grocery store replied. "He's barely a month old!"

'Kasan shrugged. "Isn't he also not supposed to be able to smile like that until about two months? Some of the sounds he makes almost sound like words, too – even the pediatrician commented on that! She said that he was developing very rapidly for his age."

"Oh, they say that about every baby they see so that the parents don't worry about them!"

I ignored the rest of their conversation in favor of viewing my surroundings. All the different food items fascinated me, even though Hikaru had introduced me to a lot of them. I couldn't wait until I could try some of them.

Most of my time was spent in trying to train myself to sit, stand, and walk and all the while attempting to form words. The first word I was able to say was "Go," but that was when I was alone. When 'Kasan was around I humored her by saying, "'Kasa!" Sometimes when I was feeling generous I would even say, "'To'sa!" It amused them and I needed the practice.

My motivation to walk increased after being forced to watch childish shows on TV. I remembered all too clearly that Hikaru had been able to watch shows about Go and he had certainly not watched shows with talking ducks or bears! There were buttons on the TV that I had seen Hikaru push, too, to change the – what were they called? Channels? There had been something else, too, a little box with buttons, but that had looked too complex.

It took me a while to figure out how much pressure to put on the buttons in order to make them do anything. One of the buttons said "power" and after pressing it I determined that that shut the TV off. The "sound" buttons made the sound louder or softer depending on whether you pressed the up or down arrow. The "channel" buttons changed what was on the TV and these became my favorite ones.

Initially I didn't find anything Go-related, but after flipping channels for a while I saw the flash of a Go board on the screen. I stopped immediately and sat down to watch. It was a pro match and one of the names they said meant nothing to me, though I thought I might have read it before from some of the Go articles I had read when I had been with Hikaru. The other, however, I knew very well. It was Touya Akira. I was enthralled by the game; Akira had improved greatly. I wondered what had happened between him and Hikaru since I had been reborn.

Then the channel changed back to bouncing, happy, talking creatures that they said were "bunnies" but they didn't look a thing like a real rabbit. I turned my head to see 'kasan standing there. 'Tousan had come home and had asked why I wasn't watching a kid's show. I waited until they had left and I flipped through the channels again until I found the Go match again.

"Shin? Did you change the channel?"

I didn't even turn around. My eyes were focused on the TV screen. Touya Akira was playing black and I was sure he was going to win. Then the channel changed. I made a sound of protest and glanced back at 'kasan who was holding the remote control. I dragged myself to my feet, uncaring if they knew that I was changing the channels or not and flipped through them until the TV was back to the Go match. I was only just in time to see Akira's opponent resign.

"What is it, dear?" I heard distantly.

"Shin changed the channel right back to where it had been before. It looked like that one old game – um, oh what's it called? With the white and black stones?"

"Isn't that Go?"

"Yes, that's it. But why would he want to watch that?"

"Well, it can't hurt anything."

I wanted more than ever to have my own Go board again, to hold the Go stones in my hands and hear them clack as they hit the wooden board. I couldn't exactly ask for one, though! Half of the time I could barely understand the words that were coming out of my own mouth! So I waited patiently until my opportunity came and when it did I took it.

Okasan kept saying that I could pick out a toy once she was done shopping because I had been such a "good boy". I know she tried to interest me in the toys that she bought for me, but they honestly held no attraction to me. She always wondered why the stuffed bear she gave me before putting me to bed ended up on the floor when she checked on me in the morning. If I could have, I would have told her it was because I threw it there.

That's when I saw it. It was in a section with games and I wanted it. I began to squirm immediately; 'kasan almost dropped me in her surprise. I never squirmed. Perhaps I was too good of a child. "Shinji, what is it? What's wrong?"

"Down!" I insisted. Finally, she put me down and I tottered immediately to my destination. I ignored all of the fond smiles of the adults around me. 'Kasan followed me and stared at me uncertainly as I wrapped my arms around the wooden Go board. I didn't care if the wood it was made out of was the cheapest wood in the world – it was a Go board and I needed it!

"Shin?"

I tugged at the Go board, but it was too heavy for me to move. Damn my weak little arms! "Go!" I looked up at her pleadingly. She didn't understand.

"Come on, Shin. It won't be much longer now." I could see she was confused at my behavior. I never pleaded or demanded, I barely cried, but when she picked me up to take me away from my Go board, MY Go board, I burst into tears.

"No! Go! Go!" 'Kasan tried to quiet me and was shocked when she failed. No, damnit I am not hungry, I do not need a new diaper! I want my Go board! "Down!" She put me down again and my tears halted and once more I attached myself to the Go board.

Quietly she knelt beside me and looked at what I was clinging to. "A Go board?"

"Go! Go!"

I almost saw her mind connecting things together. "This is the game you watch on TV isn't it? Shin, this game is too hard for you."

"Go!" My eyes filled with tears and I watched her melt. Yes, do you really want to make your sweet little boy cry? Get it! Get it!

"Is this want you want?"

I nodded frantically. "Go!" I released my hold on the Go board when she reached for it and I was quiet as she lifted us both up, me and my Go board. There was a distinctly confused look on her face for the rest of our shopping trip. Once we were home again I looked up at her and asked, "Go?"

She looked conflicted. She was glad that I was talking to her, but she wasn't sure she should give me the Go board. I understood as she set down my Go board and took it out for me. It wasn't the Go board she was certain about, it was the Go stones; she was afraid I would try to eat them and then choke on them. I wanted to tell her that of course I wouldn't do that, but my tongue and mouth would certainly not cooperate enough to say that.

I reached for one of the Go bowls and then for the Go stones. They were in bags and I tugged at them. Weak little arms and fingers. "Open?"

"Shin, when did you learn that word?" Okasan opened the bag of black stones before she even realized she had done it. I took them from her before she could protest. I began to place the black stones one by one into one of the Go bowls then I gave her back the empty bag and handed her the other one and asked her to open that one, too. She hesitated this time, but then opened it as well. I placed the white stones into the other Go bowl.

My stubby little fingers wouldn't hold the Go stones properly, of course, but I could still pick them up and place them on the Go board. I began doing just that, my mind running through the countless games stored deep in mymemory. 'Kasan watched me and I knew she had no idea what I was doing and that was just fine with me. I doubt she even noticed that I adjusted the stones so that they were placed perfectly on the intersections of the lines. When 'tousan came in I was still playing through a game and 'kasan was still watching me. He stopped when he saw us both on the floor; I barely spared him a glance. "What's that?"

'Kasan shook her head. "He saw the Go board at the store and he got upset when I tried to take him away from it so I got it for him. He kept saying 'Go, Go, Go' and he looked so happy when I picked it up. Then he asked me to open the packages for them and he put the the different colored stones into different bowls and just began playing. It's amazing."

"Should he be playing with those little pieces?"

She shrugged helplessly. "All he has done with them is place them on the board. He does it so carefully too!" Then suddenly she glanced at the only clock in the room. "Oh! Shin, you must be starving! Come on, I'll put these away for you and get something for you to eat."

I gave her an unhappy look, but my stomach told me I was hungry. We had both forgotten about lunch, her in watching me and I in playing with my new Go board. Then I began putting the stones carefully back into their proper bowls. I saw 'kasan's hand pause in its approach toward the Go board and she held her breath as I continued. All the black stones went into the black bowl, all of the white ones went into the white bowl and then I put the lids on them and then I tried to lift one of the bowl. I quickly put it down again before I dropped it.

I pointed to the bowls and then to the top of the Go board. "Here! Go here!"

'Kasan mutely obeyed. When both bowls had been placed on top of the Go board I adjusted them to their proper places and turned to her to wait. Both 'kasan and 'tousan were very quiet for the rest of the evening and I was content in the silence. I had a Go board again. (1)

My days from then on were spent playing Go and watching the channel that had Go matches and other Go-related shows. We celebrated my third birthday before I knew it. The only things I had asked for were Go books – I had asked for them by name. 'Kasan had picked out some other toys and such and I politely glanced over them before looking over my new books. My parents couldn't understand what about the books held my attention because there were either black and white pictures of played games or lots of words without pictures. They had no idea that I was perfectly able to read and I decided it was better not to enlighten them.

At times I wondered why I had retained all of my former knowledge, but most of the time it seemed an unimportant detail. I did. What else mattered?

I was usually very careful about concealing the extent of my knowledge, but one day I was distracted by the game of Go being shown on the TV that I was playing out on my own Go board. I watched every match of Hikaru's and Akira's that I could and played them out as well to see the possible flaws in them. 'Tousan came home near the end of the match when I was deeply involved in the match, numbers flying through my head. Flippantly 'tousan asked who was winning. He didn't understand the faintest thing about Go and had no idea how points were counted.

"Shindou Hikaru-san!" I replied. "He's ahead by 12.5. He's going to win another title."

"12.5?" I didn't hear the strange note in his voice and without thinking, still placing stones on the board as the moves on the screen were made and mentally counting points, I began to explain the concept of territories and captured stones. My eyes were glued to the screen and I smiled as Shindou's opponent rightfully resigned. "See, 'tousan?" I turned to look at him, a smile still on my face, but 'tousan was watching me and not the TV. My smile slowly faded as I suddenly realized everything I had said.

"Shin?" 'Tousan asked carefully. "Would you like to play a game of Go with someone who knows how to play?"

I couldn't take my words back now, I knew that and the idea of playing an actual game with someone else appealed too greatly for me to say no. "Yes."

Two days later 'tousan brought home a friend of his who knew a bit about Go. I wasn't certain exactly what 'tousan did, but it was something in a big building and 'kasan said he was a businessman, whatever that meant. When they entered I heard 'tousan telling his friend, "I feel a bit ridiculous asking you to play a game against my three-year old son, but I really have no idea about any of this. I just want to know if what he is saying makes any sense?"

The other man assured him that it was fine and other nonsense. I cleared the Go board and set everything up properly and waited. When 'tousan and the other man entered I greeted them politely. I could see 'tousan's look of surprise at my bow; his friend smiled. We were introduced and I promptly forgot the man's name in my excitement to play.

'Tousan and 'kasan sat down to watch while I grabbed a handful of Go stones and waited. When my opponent just looked at me I asked, "Aren't you going to choose one or two stones? I'm going to assume we are evenly matched, but if you want a handicap that's fine too."

I got a small smile and I saw his eyes move to meet my 'tousan's. He hadn't expected me to know anything about how to play shogi. He placed one stone on the board and I allowed the stones in my hand to drop to the board. "I'm black." We traded colors, said "onegai shimasu" and began to play. He was not a particularly strong player, but I hadn't expected him to be and from where I sat I was clearly playing a teaching game. Still, it was nice to be able to play with someone else for a change.

"Do you know who is winning?" I suppose the man couldn't believe that I was winning and was aware that I was winning. He was making sure it wasn't a fluke and I understood that – I was, after all, only a three-year old child in his eyes and not the reincarnation of a thousand year-old Go-instructor that had been a wandering spirit for a very long time.

"I am," I replied without hesitation, "By 4.5 points once you take into account the 5.5 moku handicap." I paused, unsatisfied with the way I held a black stone in my hand. "My fingers don't want to hold them properly, but I'm working on that." It took an effort not to add "again".

I easily won the match despite the fact that the man had begun playing seriously. I had matched him move for move, never allowing him to over take me though I still held back so that I did not completely out match him. We played to the end. He didn't want to resign to a child, perhaps, but I still won. As he was leaving – he opted not to stay for dinner though he had been invited – he was saying to 'tousan, "I thought you said you couldn't play Go!"

"I can't," 'tousan replied weakly.

"Then you are the Go player?" he asked my 'kasan.

She shook her head. "I don't know the first thing about Go."

There was a long pause. "Who taught him then?"

"No one. He watches Go matches on TV and he has a few Go books but since he can't read I don't know how much good those can actually do. Is he really that good?"

"Better," the man replied. "It took him no time at all to count up the points. If I were you I would get him a tutor in Go. That boy of yours is destined to be a pro if he's this good now."

'Kasan quickly asked, "Don't you think he's a bit young for that?"

"I would say yes, except that your son is does not act his age." After the man had left, 'tousan approached me again and asked if I would like someone to come more regularly and play Go with me. I almost said that I knew perfectly well what a tutor was, but instead I just said yes. There was nothing more that I wanted than to play Go. I knew there was still a lot I could learn and I wanted to learn all I could.

to be continued-

(1) Sai/Shin is a very advanced one-year old here.

Meep! To everyone waiting for me to update other chapter fics… don't kill me? I swear it was my bookstore's fault for having Hikaru no Go volume three! That forced me to actually read vol 2 (I read the shonen jump ones so I hadn't actually read the manga) and then I ended up reading vol three as well. Then Sai called to me and demanded I write the fic about him that I said I would. Waah! He was too cute so I couldn't deny him. I doubt I will update this fic often (taking into account the other six-ish fics I'm also working on) but I suppose if I get a lot of reviews I might update more often. :)


	2. Chapter Two

No, I have not given up on this fic (or any fic for that matter). But, having to write 8 papers in about two weeks severely limited my time and all the other tests and papers before that and my internship and my job, etc. Plus, I had to go back and review some Hikaru no Go episodes to ensure that my fic is reasonably accurate and that I still have a clear idea of the series itself and thus keep Sai/Shin in character in as much as that is possible..

The Future of Go: Chapter Two

by Ami-chan

"'Kasan?" Sometimes I wondered why I was so short and it felt as if the body I was in really wasn't mine and then I would remember that even if I felt like Sai, I was really Shin. And Shin was a very small child that had the experiences of many lifetimes locked away inside his head, but he was still limited by simple things such as height. I could not reach the counter. I had trouble lifting things. Barely anyone took me very seriously and they smiled indulgently as if I were merely cute, but incredibly stupid.

The woman I had called 'kasan looked down at me then suddenly handed me a cookie as if that was what I had asked for. I didn't want a cookie, but I took it anyway. They were surprisingly good and I had taken a liking to them. With a sigh I wandered away to play with my Go board. I knew when someone was not in the mood to listen to me, so perhaps it was for the best.

It seemed like only moments later, but really it had to have been hours, when 'kasan appeared in the doorway and she was not alone. "Shin?" she said softly and I could tell from her voice she was not entirely happy, "There's someone here to see you."

Hara-san was a retired pro-Go instructor that now taught promising young Go players, though I think perhaps I was the youngest one he had yet encountered. He wasn't quite sure how to deal with me at first, but after he began to understand my level of functioning, despite the inadequate way my fingers still insisted on holding the Go stones, the situation immediately became better. Contrary to my appearance, I didn't feel like a child and I tried very much not to act like one, but there were still some things that I could not do.

It was nice to be able to have a conversation with someone who understood the finer qualities of Go and I even offered him a few pointers, much to his amazement. He had had no idea what to expect upon arriving here and now that he was here I sensed that he couldn't quite believe what he was seeing. I was either a figment of his imagination or I was the best Go player he had yet to encounter. It was my age that he couldn't believe the most.

"How long have you been playing Go?" I could see Hara-san felt ridiculous asking because it was obvious, to him, that I couldn't have been playing for very long because of my age. I couldn't very well tell him the truth, either, so I simply told him that I couldn't remember how long and that was partly true – I couldn't remember the exact date because it had been so long ago.

I expected the next question: "Have anyone else played Go with you before?" He wanted to know if I had ever had a Go instructor before. I managed not to reply that I hadn't had one in this lifetime, unsure of how he would take that response. Instead, I replied, "I played a game with one of 'tousan's friends once, but he wasn't very strong so I played a teaching game with him. Maybe he'll get a bit better."

The man paused, looking at me closely. "Are you playing a teaching game now?"

I had been waiting for that one and I managed not to smile too widely when I told him calmly, "You could make some improvements, too." He resigned and I quickly asked if he wanted to play another game. Now that I had him there I didn't want him to leave.

He agreed to another game, which delighted me, and this time he played his best from the very beginning. Before he had thought to go easy on me because of my age, now he knew better. It didn't matter, though; I was still playing a teaching game and he struggled to match me, but there was never any fear of that happening. He was a very strong player and had probably done very well during his career, but I had been studying Go for far, far longer than he had.

To say that Hara-san was stunned was an understatement. I was just happy to be playing with someone more on my own level again. I felt most alive, most content when I was playing Go. What was it that had kept me a spirit so long, anyway? Having a corporeal body and holding the Go stones myself was extremely satisfying.

"I don't believe there is anything I can teach you," the man said slowly, staring down at the game we had just played.

Not to be rude, I didn't respond to that, but asked instead, "You'll come play with me again?" in a childish sort of way as if he had come just to play instead of being paid for his time.

"If you want me to," Hara-san said hesitantly, "But I don't know what you'll get from it."

I shrugged. "I just like to play." 'Kasan, as if summoned, entered the room quietly and looked at both of us. "That was fun!" I told her, but she didn't seem at all excited about it so I turned my attention back to Hara-san. "When can I take the Insei test? Is there an age limit?"

'Kasan came to life at my words. "Insei?"

Hara-san looked back and forth between the two of us and nodded. "Insei are young Go players that are practicing to become pros. I do not think it would be hard for you to be accepted right now, if you wanted to try to take the test."

A shiver of delight went through me. There was no age limit. "I want to take it now!" I could spend some time with the Inseis, playing and learning, and then I would take the pro test. Though I had no doubt that I could probably attempt the pro test as I was, I had decided it might look a bit strange at my age so I would wait at least another year. That wasn't too long and being an Insei would occupy my time until then.

'Kasan did not look at all thrilled. "Shin, I don't think you're old enough to be thinking about things like that. Don't you want to do something else?"

I gave her a look. Like what? Drool on stuffed animals and eat cookies? No, I would much prefer playing Go! "It would be more fun to play with people more my own age. I could learn a lot too." I had not expected to encounter resistance for my goals, least of all from 'kasan. I knew for a fact that 'tousan was delighted at having a brilliant toddler, but apparently 'kasan was not.

"It's amazing," Hara-san offered in my defense, "I'm not sure I could win against him. It would be a shame to waste such talent."

'Kasan's expression was not pleased. It occurred to me that she had been hoping the man would tell her it was all a fluke and that I really was not good at Go at all. She would have been happy if he had quickly and effectively crushed my dreams and told me to never play Go again. What she didn't understand was that I was good and that this was not merely a momentary whim on my part – Go had been and was an enormous part of my life. As a spirit and in my former life I had lived for Go.

"Please, 'kasan? Can I take the Insei test?" I did not whine. I doubted it would have helped if I did and I had probably guessed right because my quiet utterance made her eyes soften and she knelt down beside me. She touched my face lightly and studied me as if she might suddenly be able to understand everything about me with that one look.

"Are you sure? Is this what you want to do?" I nodded and she sighed. "If you ever want to stop, I wouldn't mind. Do you understand me? It all stops whenever you say so."

I smiled. "All right, 'kasan." It wouldn't stop, but if it made her feel better to say so, then that was fine. I looked at Hara-san, trying not to seem to eager and asked when I could take the test. There were papers to fill out, he said, and we went through all of the details of that. Then I would be given information about when I could go in. I didn't want to wait, but I supposed it was necessary.

When 'tousan came home and lifted me up into the air – I think I was supposed to shriek or something, but I only managed a smile – I told him the good news. Or, as much as I could tell him without sounding far too intelligent than I should have been: "I can take the Insei test, 'tousan! Hara-san said I could!"

I allowed myself to be held while 'tousan's gaze went to 'kasan for more of an explanation, which she gave slowly and carefully in an attempt to hold back her feelings of unease. I couldn't say for sure why she was unhappy. Maybe it was the idea of "losing her baby" or maybe it was because I was so young. There was no way I could begin to understand the way a mother's mind worked, having never been a female and thus never a mother.

"That sounds like fun, doesn't it, Shin?" At least 'tousan was happy. I wondered if he was purposely ignoring 'kasan's unease or if he really didn't see it. Some men could be very dense.

"Hai!" For a moment I acted a bit childish in my excitement, which made 'kasan smile vaguely at me. She said I was too serious for a child; 'tousan said that there was nothing wrong with that and I had to agree, but I could see she was not convinced.

The next day okasan tried to interest me in some child's toys. Things that blinked and made noises that were annoying and strange. I played with them a bit to amuse her and she seemed relieved, but the moment I was left alone I went right back to my Go board. I had a feeling I knew what she wanted – a normal son that cried for his 'kasan, that needed more help and assistance than I required, that was loud and noisy – but I also knew that I couldn't be those things. I tried, now and again, but that was not who I was.

It was only grudgingly that the proper papers were filled out and turned in to ensure that I could take the Insei test. I tolerated 'kasan fussing over me more than usual because it seemed to make her feel better. I was just waiting to see when my turn would come, when I could be accepted, because I knew I would be accepted. There was no other possible result!

The letter came one day and I knew it had come because 'kasan was unhappy again, but I didn't say anything about it. I let 'tousan mention it when he found the letter, unopened. I remained where I was as he opened it and scanned the contents and reported the day and time. 'Kasan would take me, she didn't want to, but she would.

She thought I was growing up too quickly. When we had been shopping the other day, she had insisted on carrying me even though it was completely unnecessary. Finally she had to admit that she was carrying too many things and let me walk. A few times I asked if there was anything she wanted me to find for her, just to be helpful, but each time she would look at me and say, "No, Shin. Stay right here," as if I was prone to running off… like several other children that were being hunted down by their angry mothers. One lady with two screaming children, took one look at me and told 'kasan that she was lucky to have such a well-behaved son. I could see 'kasan didn't agree.

I continued to practice Go, but mostly when 'kasan wasn't around because for some reason she disliked it when I played Go quietly by myself. I attempted, more than once, to become interested in the toys she bought for me, but they were all so unusual and juvenile that they couldn't hold my attention for long.

Finally, the day I had been waiting for arrived and 'kasan took me to the Go Institute that I had not been in for some time;that had beenwith Hikaru and I remembered it fondly. That brought back memories that made me smile. I almost darted for the elevators, but then I remembered I wasn't supposed to know my way around the building, so I let 'kasan ask for directions first. 'Kasan insisted on holding my hand as we went in and asked if she could stay during the test and was told she could.

The man gave me a friendly look, obviously not convinced I could pass the test. I could almost see him thinking that 'kasan had pushed me into this, when really it was the other way around entirely. She would have been happy if I had failed, but I had no intention of doing that. I sat down before the Go board, barely listening to what the man was saying and then we started playing. He quickly realized that I was perfectly capable of playing and I did not hold back in the least. It wasn't long until he called a halt to it; he really should have resigned, but that would not have looked good on his part, I suppose.

I had passed with flying colors. The tester could barely contain his surprise and I wondered if there had ever been any Insei my age before. Well, unless they were the reincarnations of other great Go-players that had retained all the knowledge of their former lives… probably not. (1)

'Kasan was stunned, as well, and with the knowledge that I had passed and would be coming back even more often, I saw her expression quickly turn bleak. I didn't want to upset her, but how could I explain that I had been waiting for many many lifetimes for this chance? I wanted to play the Divine Move and why else was I allowed to retrain all of my knowledge if not for that opportunity? I could not waste it!

On the way back to the elevator I tripped and fell hard. Instead of getting back up I stayed down as if I had been really hurt. Almost immediately 'kasan knelt down in front of me, asking me if I was okay and had I hurt myself? I didn't cry, having never been good at forcing out tears at will, but I whimpered softly and that was just as good. She picked me up and held me against her and I wrapped my arms around her neck so that she could not see my face that had immediately returned to a more neutral expression and I let her talk as if to reassure me that everything was fine.

Considering my age I doubted that she would let me go to the Insei classes by myself, so I would just have to make sure that she felt needed, even if that meant getting bruises from falling down repeatedly. I could be needy and clumsy if it made her happy and even if I couldn't be exactly what she wanted, there were some things I could do. I would play with the ridiculous toys she got me, I would even let her dress me, but I would play Go with the Inseis. That was the one thing I could not give up.

To be continued-

(1) I know there have been some pretty young pro Go players (like 5 and 6), but I'm going to say that at 3-ish Sai/Shin would still be considered unusual.

I have no idea if there is an age limit for Insei... at least for younger ones. ;; So I'm guessing there isn't.


	3. Chapter Three

Maybe I should explain: when I say "in character" I don't mean literally straight-out canon, I mean "in character" for me; and don't we all have different ideas for what is "in character" and what isn't? Only the original creators can write canon – I'm writing my impressions of what I got from the series and the characters. "Spirit Sai" acted out at times because, in my opinion, no one but Hikaru could see him so it didn't matter, but the live Sai in flashbacks is really what's directing this Sai and THAT Sai was upset enough to drown himself because others believed he was a cheater and was kicked out of a city. That's a pretty serious Sai.

The Future of Go: Chapter Three

by Ami-chan

It hadn't stuck me before, but stepping into the Go Institute was amazing. Actually stepping, having form, seeing everything through REAL eyes and not through the eyes of a spirit, was something I will never forget. My heart was racing and it was all I could do to stay at 'kasan's side.

It was my first day as an official Insei. My mind was full of every single time I had been here with Hikaru and all the fun we had had. No longer did I have to experience events vicariously through him, but I could experience them for myself! When the elevator doors closed 'kasan asked if I was nervous – it was then that I realized I was trembling; I lied and told her I was a bit nervous and then that I was also excited, which was certainly not a lie. "I get to play with other Insei. With other kids."

Okasan gave me a skeptical look, the same one she had been giving me quite often lately. There would be no other children near my age, but there would still be children there. At least she was letting me go; that was something I truly appreciated. I had wondered, more than once, what I would do if she refused to accept this entire situation. Thankfully I had so far been given no reason to put any of those ideas into action – most of them, I fear, wouldn't have worked anyway.

I inwardly sighed when 'kasan said she was going to stay. I had told her it would be fine if she wanted to go somewhere and just come back later, but she insisted as if she were going to miss some pivotal moment of my childhood. I was growing up too quickly before her eyes and she seemed unable to keep her eyes off of me. She babied me to the point of frustration, repeating practically word for word to me everything I was told as a new Insei, just to make sure I understood it. That first game of Go as an Insei was my escape and I delighted in it.

For some reason, 'kasan was surprised that I won. It occurred to me that she had hoped I would lose, possibly cry over said lose, and quit playing Go altogether. She had no concept of how good I was at Go or any concept of how mature I really was. Not that I was trying to be mature in her presence and I think I was accomplishing the exact opposite extremely well. It just wasn't enough to satisfy her.

When we got home I went to the collection of children's books that had been bought for me. I had to resist the urge to go to my Go books, instead. I randomly selected a book about a dog that was entirely too red and entirely too large and took it to 'kasan and asked her to read it to me. It was repetitive and childish, but 'kasan enjoyed it and that's all that mattered. I was happy when she left me alone to play. Well, she said "nap", but I had the feeling she knew that I wasn't actually napping and that I had never really taken a nap, though I stayed quiet and didn't make any loud noises.

Otousan was happy to hear that I had done well at my first game as an Insei and he asked if I had enjoyed it. I honestly told him that I had and that I couldn't wait to go again. I said it quietly, but I still think 'kasan heard. At any rate, she didn't look pleased.

The next time 'kasan was took me to another match, I suggested that she do some shopping while I was playing, or that perhaps she could bring a book to read. I added that she could do some coloring, that was therapeutic, wasn't it? Of course, I didn't tell that to her. 'Kasan did not seem interested in distractions and so I gave up and let her take me to the Go Institute and just stare at me while I played. It likely would have made me nervous if I wasn't so good at tuning out all other distractions during a game – certainly after I was done playing her gaze made me fidget unhappily. Had it been anything else she wanted, I could have humored her, but this wasn't just "anything else", this was Go. I couldn't give it up.

In walking back to her I stumbled, accidentally this time. Either her gaze had so unnerved me or I had become unobservant – I'm not sure which. I managed to right myself unsteadily and then gaze down at the cause. My shoe had come untied. (1) I knelt to try to get my pudgy little fingers to tie it back up, but it was easier said than done.

"Here, Shin." I glanced up as 'kasan's fingers replaced my own, quickly and easily tying my stubborn little shoe. She smiled at me gently as I wondered if that was the reason she had insisted on getting me shoes with laces instead of the kind that didn't require tying them. Then I found myself in her arms, despite the fact that I was perfectly capable of walking.

I wanted to be useful, I really did. The problem was, so did 'kasan. So I couldn't do anything for her and that was difficult for me. Even as a child, as Sai, I had been self-sufficient and I had enjoyed it and I was unused to someone fussing over me. But I was learning.

'Tousan didn't mind, though. I usually greeted him at the door and set his briefcase aside for him. I gave him the newspaper and the mail and he would pat my head. Once he told me I was better than a dog and I asked him what he meant by that, but 'kasan snapped at us both and my question was never reallyanswered. For some reason she thought it was bad that he had suggested I was dog-like and though 'tousan tried to explain that he was just saying that I was helpful, she refused to listen.

I was not a dog. Which was true, but there was no reason for her to get upset over the comparison, especially if it was a good one. I wanted to be helpful.She wouldn't let me pour my own drinks. She wouldn't let me help her in the kitchen. If it hadn't been for Go and the few books – both my Go books and the other books that 'kasan and 'tousan kept on the shelves in the living room – there would have been nothing at all to occupy my time. As far as the books went, it was only safe for me to be seen looking at the books called Encyclopedias, because of the numerous pictures in them. I found the words more interesting than the pictures, but I wasn't about to tell anyone that.

As weeks turned into months I found myself more and more pleased with how my role as an Insei was progressing – mostly. 'Kasan barely let me interact with any of the other Insei; I think she thought she was trying to protect me from them, though in truth she was only isolating me. Still, I had won every game I had played and I was quickly becoming the Insei that others were terrified of, because of my skill. There were those that laughed at the Insei I had beaten – I was a child, how could I really be as good as they were suggesting? They didn't laugh after I had played them.

One day after I had finished yet another winning game (and it was very obvious to everyone at that point that I would soon be playing against the top Insei), Inoue-san, currently the top Insei, asked to play a game with me. Just for fun. I immediately look toward 'kasan, who was near enough to have heard his request, and asked if I could play one more game. She hesitated for a moment, before nodding silently to me. I accepted the offer.

I had not really talked to Inoue-san before that moment, thanks to 'kasan's careful eye, but I liked him immediately. "How long have you been playing Go?" was the first thing he asked, after we had started our game. He spoke to me not as a child, but as an equal. I guessed that he was about fifteen or sixteen.

"It feels like I've been playing Go forever."

"Who taught you? You're otousan?" Inoue-san had obviously picked up on my 'kasan's lack of interest in and distaste of Go.

"No, 'tousan doesn't know how to play. I played with a few people before I became an Insei, one of them was a tutor." It seemed best to leave off the part where I was the one really tutoring the tutor. I let Inoue-san make his own assumptions.

He placed a white stone one the board, nodding slightly. "So you're otousan wanted you to play Go?"

That was an interesting question that deserved an interesting answer. "He wanted me to play after he found out I was good at it and he wants me to play now. He doesn't really have any idea of how good 'good' is, though, but he does understand what 'has never lost a game' means."

"Ah. So, why doesn't your okasan want you to play? She watches you like a hawk every time you are here and barely lets you out of her sight. She's not really happy here, but she refuses to leave. I've heard you tell her she didn't have to stay," Inoue-san added by way of explanation. I figured everyone had already heard me say that a time or two.

"She's… protective." It was the absolute nicest way to put it. "I'm her only child and she wants me to always need her.I'm not really supposed to be good at anything, I'm supposed to depend on her, but I can't pretend I'm bad at Go."

Inoue-san smiled. "I can see that. Are you going to try to go pro soon?"

I shivered, thrilled at the mere thought of being a pro Go player. "Yes. I would have gone for that first, but 'kasan isn't ready to think about that yet. Plus, I thought it would be nice to just be an Insei for a while, to see what it's like."

He nodded at me, but his eyes were focused on the board, possibly reading ahead and seeing what I saw. At any rate, he resigned and thanked me for the game. I told him I looked forward to playing him again. Then 'kasan was dragging me back out of the room and to the elevator and then back home. I found myself wishing that I was not an only child. Maybe then 'kasan would have something else to do with her time other than follow me around.

That evening when I was playing Go by myself, I overheard 'tousan mention something about pre-school that seemed to upset 'kasan. From what I heard of the conversation, pre-school involved other children my age with quite a bit of supervision by senseis. 'Tousan thought it would be good for me to get to interact with more children my own age, 'kasan insisted I was too young to even begin to think about it. I would be four soon, 'tousan told her, and I would be starting kindergarten at five; it wasn't too soon.

'Kasan didn't want to hear it.

After that 'tousan began talking to me about pre-school instead of 'kasan, trying to at least prepare me for it, if not her as well because she listened to our conversations. I wasn't adverse to the idea, though I wasn't quite sure how to act around children. Just because I was one didn't mean I knew how to deal with them, but it would be an adventure of sorts and it might prove to be interesting.

Not long after I was enrolled in pre-school. 'Kasan had a while to get used to the idea as I continued to excel at Go. It wasn't long before I was playing Inoue-san more frequently, as I was now officially the top Insei. That meant that I wouldn't have to take the preliminaries for the pro test when the time came and even though it would have been fun to do that, it was fine this way, too.

Then pre-school started.

I wasn't sure what I expected, but it hadn't been all the noise and confusion that I saw. There were at least twelve children in the room with two adult women. The children all appeared to have had too much sugar. 'Kasan didn't want to leave me there, but one of the ladies, Sensei Kimura-san, assured 'kasan that I would be perfectly fine. If by "perfectly fine" she meant "mauled by little children", then I was certain I would be "perfectly fine".

I found a relatively safe corner to hide in while chaos around me ensued. There were books for me to look at and read and though they were for children, they would do. I was content to be forgotten and left alone, but Kimura-san was not about to let that happen and wanted me to join in some of their activities. Upon her insistence I did what she called finger-painting, which just ended up being very messy, but I did a very good picture of a Go board – the board ended up being green because there was no brown to be used and black stones became red and white stones blue. It was a very nice, I thought, and I was looking up to get Kimura-san's attention when a loud slapping sound recalled my attention to my drawing.

The boy beside me, whose name I believe was Akito (or at least that's what Kimura-san yelled) had placed his multi-colored hand right in the middle of the drawing I had worked so hard on. I blinked several times as he laughed. I wasn't certain what his purpose was, but I told him that it wasn't nice to interfere with someone else's work. I suppose it didn't matter because Iwai-san, the other sensei, was already lecturing him and made him sit in the corner – I wasn't quite sure what the point of that was, either. It didn't seem to do much good.

"You did a very good job, Shin," Kimura-san informed me. "I'm sorry Akito ruined it."

I wasn't upset, really, and I tried to convey that as I smiled up at her. "It's not ruined. It just has a handprint on it, now." It was certainly more colorful.

"Here, let's write your name on it." She began to reach for a pen to write it down, but I told her I would do it. With a gentle smile and a nod, she agreed. It seemed she had every intention of correcting me later. It never occurred to me that some children my age might have difficulty writing their names. I used the finger paint that was already on my fingers to write out in relatively neat characters "Yamamoto Shinji", though I had to write them fairly big in order to make it legible.

"You know kanji?" Kimura-san asked quietly.

I glanced up at her sharply, surprised. "Should I have used katakana or hiragana?"

"No, no, that's fine. You did a wonderful job." Something in her voice was so awed that it occurred to me, only then, that perhaps I shouldn't have done that. The damage was done, as they say. Our paintings were set aside and we were sent to wash our hands. I was last, but only because I had no desire to be pushed or splashed with water.

All in all it was an interesting first day of pre-school, though I still had very little insight into the workings of a child's mind. I wondered if Touya Akira-san felt the same way when he was younger and figured that he probably had. Being a child in an adult world was much easier than being a child in a child's world, but I would do my best.

'Kasan swept me up as soon as the first day had ended. She seemed intent on squishing the life out of me and that she was asking if I had had fun and what I had done and I dutifully told her to the best of my ability. I left out the part about how the hand-print had gotten on my drawing and let 'kasan assumed I had done it in some sudden spurt of childishness. I guess she assumed one of the senseis had written my name, though she didn't question why it was in paint and not in ink. Then again, she hadn't seen the other children's drawing and how their names were written.

When asked if I wanted to go back tomorrow, I said I did. I knew she would have been happier if I had said "no" and that I hated it and never wanted to go back, but I hadn't realized until I had spent the day away from her just how much she had been suffocating me and how hard it was always trying to make her happy. With that in mind, pre-school was a haven, even if it was full of loud, rowdy children.

To be continued-

(1) These would be indoor shoes! I'm not Japanese, but the shoes they wear indoors can have ties too, I think. They can be just like outdoor shoes… only they aren't used outdoors… though sometimes they do have slippers and things they wear, or fancy dress shoes like for school… and even if they don't have indoor shoes with laces, pretend. I couldn't think of another reason why Sai/Shin would stumble. lol


	4. Chapter Four

The Future of Go: Chapter Four

by Ami-chan

I was enjoying myself immensely as far as Go was concerned. Each new game was a new adventure, a new experience and it was even better now that I had made a friend in Inoue-san. The two of us were considered the strongest Insei and so I ended up playing with him quite often – he told me he was glad I was there, because playing me was making him stronger, too. I wondered if the improvements he was making would be enough to allow him to pass the pro test when it was time. I hoped so, even as I hoped to see Hikaru and Akira-san someday soon on something other than the tv; in my heart I especially wanted to apologize to Hikaru for interfering so much in his life, though he from what I've seen he appears to be satisfied with how things turned out for him.

According to the media coverage on the pro Go players themselves, Hikaru and Akira had been involved in a relationship for some time. They had to speculate at how long that relationship had been going on and my best guess was no better than theirs – it was sometime within the last four-ish years. Backwhen I was still with Hikaru there had only been minor hints of maybe, possibly becoming something more between them. They looked happy together nowand, if the fans were any indication, they were happy for them, too. If anything, when the press latched onto the story, it made them andGo infinitely more popular and soon a fangirl following had been created. What did they crave? Pictures of the young pro coupletogether, holding hands, kissing, or any other display of affection. While Akira seemed reluctant to pose for pictures like that, it was obvious that Hikaru thought otherwise, though he often chose not to give the media more fodder, for Akira's sake.

A soft gasp recalled me back to the preschool room I was currently sitting in and I found Akito, who I had quickly pegged as a troublemaker, tormenting a little girl. He had a doll in one hand that was obviously not his and was holding it above the girl's head while she tried her hardest to get it back. Both of the senseis were busy so I slid out of my chair and toward the two of them.

Akito didn't like me and never had. I think it had something to do with the fact he couldn't do anything to bother me. I glanced at the girl who had tears in her eyes in her obvious frustration and she looked at me with wide, pleading eyes. "Give her the doll back." I was glared at. "You should be nicer to people and then they'll want to play with you. Taking away her doll isn't going to make her like you." Reasoning, apparently, was not in his grasp of understanding. He pushed me, but I had braced myself enough so that I didn't fall. My eyes narrowed sharply at him in a look I had reserved mostly for opponents in Go, a look that had frightened some of the Insei because it said I had no intention of losing. And I didn't.

The boy's jaw set and he threw down the doll, growling, "Take the stupid thing. I didn't want it anyway." He stalked off, perhaps in search of another victim as I retrieved the doll from the floor and straightened its outfit before handing it back to the girl.

"Here you go, Hayashi-san." I stumbled a bit when she launched herself at me, throwing her arms around my neck and squeezing me until I thought I might pop.

"Thank you, Shin-chan!" she exclaimed, even as she was brushing tears from her face. "Call me Sou-chan."

Her wide smile was contagious and I found myself smiling back at her. "Souko-san," I replied politely, "You are very welcome."

Souko bit her lip thoughtfully before taking my hand in hers. "Wanna play with us?" She gestured to the group of girls that had taken up residence in one corner, near what appeared to be a doll house of some sort. Intrigued, I agreed. Was this any different from playing Go with ladies? Well, other than the fact that they were much younger and we weren't playing Go… okay, so it was nothing alike, but it seemed rude to refuse.

I was quickly integrated into the group of girls after heroically saving Souko's doll. In addition to Souko there was Suka-chan (I think her name was actually something else that they had shortened, but if it was no one ever called her that), Kita-chan, and Mai-chan. They were involved in some game in which they were portraying a family of sorts and immediately Kita-chan thrust a man doll at me and told me I could be the "father". It took me a while to make sense of the rules they had created and for the most part they were very accommodating, compromising when someone had a differing opinion.

Even though I didn't spend all that much time in preschool, missing days or leaving early to play games with the other Insei, I certainly enjoyed my time with the girls. For their part they seemed to enjoy having me with them. With a boy they could do things they couldn't have before, like get "married". They were always changing the rules on me and I had to keep up – the secret was not to take anything as a solid fact.

To the girls, reality was flexible and therefore could be changed easily. One day I would be Kita-chan's "husband", the next I was Mai-chan's. I didn't know if they drew straws or what for the privilege of being my "wife" or if they had just agreed to share me like they seemed to share everything else. Or, almost everything else – Souko wouldn't share her doll because it was a special doll, there was a sparkly rubber ball that Mai wouldn't share, a toy horse that Kita wouldn't let out of her sight, and Suka was reluctant to part company with a little book on a kitty, though if she was asked nicely she would let someone look at it.

It was nice spending time with them and thinking about things not related to Go at all. The pro tournament was coming up soon, but I was not particularly worried about it. In a way, the girls kept me grounded. They surprised me sometimes, too, as I recall the dignified ladies I had played Go with as Sai had on occasion. I was with the girls, as usual, when Akito finally decided that enough was enough and stalked over to our little group in the middle of our pretend traditional tea ceremony. Mai-chan was making things up as she went along and I chose not to correct her – her way was much more interesting. We all glanced up since it was unavoidable. He glared at me and demanded in a tone that suggested I should truly be offended, though I was not, that "You've been playing with the girls all the time! Are you a girl now?"

Before I could respond, Souko had risen to her feet and marched right over to the boy. "What wrong with that?" she demanded. I wondered if she was still upset over the doll incident or if this was truly in defense of me. The other three girls stood as well and put in their own comments of "Yeah!" and "What's wrong with girls?"

After the united front and seeing that he was clearly outnumbered, Akito backed off, but not without suggestingto me that I was even worse than a girl for letting girls defend me. I hadn't moved from my seated position on the floor and I watched Souko as she turned around, her face screwed up into a scowl as she told me in no uncertain terms, "You're one of us!"

"I'm still a boy." I said calmly and I saw her expression soften somewhat.

"Yes," she agreed, "But you aren't like _them_." Them, apparently, were all the other boys and I couldn't have agreed with her more. If any of them had been a spirit for countless ages, you certainly couldn't tell by the way they acted.

One day after I had missed yet another dayof preschool, Souko looked at me in concern and asked if I wasn't feeling very well. It made me wonder if I looked sick, but I assured her that I was feeling fine. Then she expressed her concerns because I kept missing so many days and usually that only happened when people were sick and since I had missed a lot of days, that must have meant I was really sick. Mai-chan had nodded in agreement and told us about a cousin of hers that had to go to the hospital a lot because there was something wrong with his stomach. I wassure Mai had gotten the wrong idea on what was wrong with her cousin, but we all nodded as if we knew exactly what she was saying.

"You don't have to worry about me. I miss daysto play Go." It was the simplest explanation I could give them since I doubted they would know what an Insei was. "Every so often I go to the Go Institute and play some games with other kids."

Kita was intrigued. "Really? How do you start that?"

"First you have to be good enough to pass their test and then you get to be one of the members in the group and play on certain days. It's for kids that want to become pro Go players someday."

Suka tugged at my sleeve and I turned my attention to her as she asked in her soft voice, "What's Go?"

"It's a game with black and white pieces that are placed on a Go board – sort of like a better, more complicated version of chess." The look on her face suggested that she didn't know what chess was, either. "Here." I took a piece of paper and drew some lines on the paper. "This is what the board looks like. You place stones that are either black or white on the board for the purpose of getting the most territory and capturing your opponents' stones."

The girls were fascinated and immediately wanted to learn so I went to Sensei Kimura and asked if there was a piece of cardboard or construction paper I could use. She found a piece of cardboard and cut it into two small square for me, which I then took and drew on lines as precisely as I could. It wasn't the best job I could have done, but it would do.Since there was also alack of Go stones, Suka, Kita, Mai, Souko, and I cut out little circles in construction paper that was either black or white. Most of the circles were lopsided, but that didn't really matter. To them, it was perfect.

I explained the very basics to them and then played a game with Souko and Mai at the same time on our mini Go boardswhile the other two observed and asked questions. Then they switched, with Kita and Suka playing while Souko and Mai watched. They picked up on it pretty quickly and I told them that they all had done well; they glowed at the praise. When preschool ended, I took the two makeshift Go boards and Go stones to Sensei Kimura and asked her to put them in a safe place for us to use later. I couldn't quite read the look in her eyes, but I think she might have been impressed with me, though I had no idea why.

There were days when the girls wanted to play Go and days when they didn't. I always let them decide and whether I was teaching them Go or we were playing "house" we were always having fun. One day, when 'kasan was actually not early for once – she had a tendency to whisk me away before any of the other children's parents showed up – Souko grabbed me by the hand and dragged me to the door where a tall man had appeared. The man knelt down to capture Souko in a hug even as she dragged me closer to them.

In a rush of words that wassaidso quickly that it was hardto follow, Souko introduced me to the man who apparently was her otousan. He smiled at me fondly in a way that reminded me very much of Souko. "I've heard so much about you and I'm glad to finally get the chance to meet you. She tells me you are the one that started to teach them all how to play Go and that you sometimes aren't in preschool because you're playing Go." The way he said it suggested that he wasn't quite sure if Souko had told him the correct thing because it sounded so strange to him.

I nodded. "I'm an Insei, so I play at the Go Institute. The pro test is coming up soon, too. I hope my friend is able to pass – only three people are selected to be pro players at the end." I was getting better at speaking like a child, I thought. It had something to do with being around them all the time.

"An Insei?" Souko's 'tousan gave me a long look. "I didn't know there were Insei your age. How long have you been an Insei?"

"Almost a year, but I hope to be a pro soon, so then I won't be an Insei any longer. I'm the only Insei my age. Most are older, maybe ten or fourteen." A shadow loomed over me and I glanced up, my face immediately becoming somber. "'Kasan." I hoped she hadn't heard what I had been saying; it all tended to annoy her.

Souko's 'tousan had seen my look and frowned at it as he stood to greet my okasan. He introduced himself and she, having no other option in all politeness, did the same. "I've heard so much about Shin from my daughter. He tells me he's an Insei. That's quite an accomplishment."

I winced as 'kasan latched suddenly onto my hand. "Yes, it is," she said tightly. At my soft squeak of pain she released my hand. As damage control I bowed politely and said, "It was nice meeting you Hayashi-san. I'll see you tomorrow Souko-san." Okasan echoed me automatically, recalling her manners and then hastily retreated. By that I knew she had very clearly heard my desire to become a pro Go player, which I knew she was still trying to delude herself about. I felt guilty about my dreams and what they were doing to hers, but they were the one thing about myself that I could not change to suit her nor would I even try.

To be continued-


	5. Chapter Five

The Future of Go: Chapter Five

by Ami-chan

The preliminaries of the pro tournament had ended and a good number of the Insei that had been unable to skip them had made it into the actual tournament. It was hard to keep myself grounded because I knew the pro world was just around the corner and I could feel it and I remembered what it had been like with Hikaru. I wanted that excitement, that challenge – it was the sort of thing I thrived on. Yet, I was also still a pre-school student and Souko-chan was my best friend; I knew, because she told me that we were, so I supposed it must be true, though I had never had a "best friend" before. Of course, I was also best friends with Kita, Mai, and Suka because they wouldn't be left out, either.

I vaguely wondered if there would be anyone really challenging at the pro test for me to play against, but I didn't hold on too tightly to that hope. After Ibecome a pro then I couldstart playing against people that were more at my level.Hikaru and Akira were more or less tied for status of "best Go player" and they were the ones I wanted to play – well, that and I had never given up on the dream of playing Touya Meijin-san. I shivered in anticipation of that thought, of facing him as me, in this body and testing him with my full strength. He would be a challenge I looked forward to; if only he hadn't retired! I could still conceivably get to him through Hikaru or Akira, though, but that would have to wait. First, I would have to officially meet them.

"You don't have to do this if you don't want to."

I managed not to sigh. I had lost count of the times she had said that, having spent the last week listening to all number of things that I could do instead. It was a pitiful attempt to distract me, but 'kasan didn't understand that I could not be distracted. This seemed to be her last hope, as if she knew if I stepped into that room, the same room I had gone to for every Insei match and yet was different this time because it was not just the Insei room it was the pro testing room now, that there would be no returning. I turned to look at her and smiled faintly. "I know," I said simply. "You don't have to wait if you don't want to."

I stepped into the room and she waited, both of us knowing we didn't have to, but unable to change our courses – I desired to go through the tests to become a pro and she desired to wait on her only child. It made me feel slightly guilty. She had wanted a child and not, not whatever I was.

Then there were no thoughts but of the game before me, the strategy, the struggle, the fight, the victory. I placed my first stamp of the pro tournament down and found okasan again. That's when we saw the reporters, after we had gotten off the elevators, since they weren't allowed to disturb the players. Theireyes latched onto me, as if sensing a story there. I would assume it was because I was a child and that always makes a cute story, I guess.

"Excuse me, are you here to cheer on an older niichan or neechan in the Go tournament?"

'Kasan had nudged me slightly behind her, protectively, as I replied, "No, I was here to play in the tournament." It seemed a simple thing to say, but it attracted a lot of attention. Suddenly pictures were being flashed at me and I was momentarily blinded. Questions were fired at me and I had no idea where to start – how old was I? how long had I been playing Go? what did I think my chances of winning were? wasn't I the youngest person to try to take the pro tests? – so I didn't start at all.

I was jerked into the air, held firmly in 'kasan's arms as she dodged past the reporters, politeness be damned. My heart sank for a moment. Never had I considered the sort of attention I might receive just for playing Go – I saw the professional Go players on TV, yes, I heard the stores about Hikaru and Akira, but I had never thought about what that might mean for me. Of course they jumped at that, a little child playing Go to become a professional. What would they do when I won, because I knew I was going to, I couldn't not win when I wanted it so much.

Then I shook myself out of it. It didn't matter what they did. This was what I wanted and I would deal with all of those things later. They would likely lose interest in me when I became older and not so cute and then I would be just another Go player. Yes and until then I could just deal with whatever they threw my way. They wouldn't expect much of me, maybe a childishly optimistic phrase here, a smile for a picture there and I could do that just fine. After all, had I not mingled with royalty in my previous life? I could do this now.

Later, when 'tousan was watching the evening news and I was curled into my corner of the living room where my Go board was set up, a picture of the Go Institute flashing across the screen caught my attention. I turned to look, focusing in on the words that were being spoken.

"…and in other news, the pro Go tournaments have started again and this year, according to our sources, there is a particularly young Insei trying to advance into the pro world. This Insei, who is amongst the top Inseis, is four year-old Yamamoto Shinji, as seen here." Footage from earlier was playing on the screen; me, standing beside my mother looking wide-eyed and surprised. "We were unable to get any statements from him at this time, but we will certainly be watching his progress."

The screen cut back to the studio and the two newscasters seated there. "How do you think he will do, considering his age?"

"Likely it will be a tough competition, but as he is doing so well as an Insei it could be possible that he'll make it fairly far into the ranks."

"Then his chances of actually ranking in the top three and moving on to become a pro are…?"

I tuned it out then. 'Tousan was talking quietly to himself and then he turned to smile at me. "What do you think? Do you think you can become the youngest professional Go player in Japan?" He seemed pleased when I told him yes, though I somehow got the impression he wanted me to win more for the novelty of it rather than because he was supporting my own personal goals. I didn't mind so long as he wasn't against it.

The next day was fairly quiet at preschool, though Souko did tell me that her otousan had seen me on the news and had been impressed. Well, Souko-chan hadn't used the word "impressed", but that was the gist of it. Just as I was getting ready to leave Kimura-san told me that she had also seen the news and that I should do my best and that she was proud of me for trying. It implied that she thought I wouldn't make it very far and was attempting to gently prepare me for that eventuality, but I didn't mind. She was a nice person so I thanked her and told her that I would try my hardest even knowing that I wouldn't necessarily have to try my hardest to win. I would do enough to win, yes, but there was no need for overkill.

As expected, the press had seized onto the story of the child Go player and they laid in wait for me after reach match was played. I was asked how I did and each time I dutifully reported that I had won. I spouted the desired cute lines of, "I will do my best!" and "I hope to become a pro Go player" and whatever they wanted me to say. 'Kasan never allowed them to bother me long and I certainly appreciated her protectiveness.

There was only one match during the tournament that I regretted – a snide Insei that I had played before, but had to have played in the preliminary rounds in order to get this far suggested that I was really an inferior player because I hadn't won by much when I had played against him and that I was only winning because the people I was playing against were letting me win. Rather, not "letting" me win, but that they had been paid off by the media since it made a good story to have a little kid winning. He made me angry, naturally and that translated itself into the game. I showed no mercy.He hadn't a chance and afterwards I felt guilty. We were the first ones done that day and it was very hard to look up into his shocked eyes, deadenedby his astounding defeat.

I was pounced on by the reporters as soon as I got off the elevator. By my expression they asked if I had lost; I knew I was nearly in tears so I shook my head and told them that I had won. When they questioned me about my sad demeanor I told them simply that some victories were hollow.

The Insei I defeated was eliminated after the next round and the tournament went on. Sometimes I watched the news as they speculated about my chances of going pro after I had already managed to climb so high. "Even if he doesn't rank in the top three this time around," one newscaster had said, "Yamamoto Shinji-san certainly has a future in Go!"

It wasn't long before my status was ultimatelydetermined – with no defeats the last game for mewas more or less for show and everyone knew that. Excited reporters had asked how I felt about knowing that regardless of the next match's outcome that I would still be going on to become a professional Go player. I told them that it felt good, though honestly I don't know what they expected me to say. Of course it felt good. I guess they just wanted the statement to be said by me.

Along with me, Inoue-san was one of the final players and if he lost it was possible he wouldn't make it – however, if I won, which I intended to do, and he lost there would be a final tie-breaking match between my opponent and Inoue. That was, of course, assuming Inoue-san lost. If he won there would be no tie-breaker.

I dragged my lastgame out for a bit, giving my opponent a fair chance as well as making the game a bit more interesting for me, before finally claiming the victory. I managed to get 'kasan to stay afterwards so that we could wait for the results of Inoue-san's match. We waited for some time before they emerged and I immediately went to Inoue-san. I couldn't tell by his face so I asked who had won.

After a moment he looked down at me and smiled. "Well, Shin-kun, it looks like you won't be turning pro without me." I latched onto his hand in my excitement and told him that I was glad. "You did good, kid. You'll be challenging some of the greats soon and I'll be right on your heels, hear me?"

"Yeah." This was what I had been missing as a spirit, this companionship. I knew now how Hikaru had managed to forget that I was there at times in the heat of the moment, in his own planning ofwhat he wanted to do in the future. I could do that now. And I fully intended to. "Who do you think you'll play for the first pro match?"

Inoue-san gave me a look that suggested he hadn't even thought that far ahead and I wasn't surprised. He hadn't even been sure of his victory before. "I have no idea. Who do you want to play?"

That was easy. "Shindou Hikaru-san!"

"You're a Shindou-san fan, aren't you?" he said with a light laugh. "You never know who they might pick, though, so don't get your hopes up."

I nodded in agreement. "I know. If not Shindou-san than maybe Touya-san. I do wish Touya Meijin-san hadn't retired so soon, otherwise I should have liked to play against him!"

"You are very ambitious, Shin-kun."

I supposed I was, but only concerning Go. When the press swarmed around us I happily informed them that Inoue-san had won and then 'kasan pushed through the crowd and we made our escape. The twenty seconds devoted to Go on the nightly news had the newscasters expressing their delight at the child who had been so pleased at his friend's victory while dismissing his own.

Souko, Kita, Mai, and Kita were all excited the next day. They had all gotten their parents to follow my victories so that they had been updated on them, too. Then Souko-san had gotten very quiet and asked if that meant that I would be leaving them now, because I was a pro Go player. I had to explain that I would still be attending preschool and that I wasn't going anywhere. Souko-san had already decided that we would all be attending the same elementary school the following year and I had made it a point to ask Souko-san's otousan which school she would be going to and then recommending to my 'kasan that that was where I wanted to go. It was hard for me to imagine not spending time with her or the other girls and even if Suka, Kita, and Mai went to different elementary schools then at least Souko-san and I would be together.

-To be continued-


	6. Chapter Six

The Future of Go: Chapter Six

by Ami-chan

When the call finally came, I was delighted. I was delighted, of course, because it would be my first match with a professional Go player. I expected to know the name of the person I was going to play against, after all the time I spent pouring over Go magazines and watching everything Go related on TV that I could find. Even though I had expressed to Inoue-san that I wanted to play either Hikaru or Akira I never really had held out the hope that I would even bepersonally familiarwith the person I was going to end up playing. I was, however, directly familiar with the name that I was given.Ochi Kosuke.

I remembered him a bit too well. I wondered brieflyif he hadchanged any or if he's still the same annoying person that thought he was so much better than Hikaru, when of course he wasn't. I won't say Hikaru was better because he had me for a teacher, but Hikaru was just more dedicated and he wanted it a lot more.

"Shin, who was that?"

"Just the Go Institute, 'kasan. They say I'll be playing Ochi Kosuke for my first match." I smiled pleasantly up at her. I was going to have fun no matter what. Maybe it was better that I wouldn't be playing Hikaruafter all, though I still desperately wanted to see him. He looked fine on TV, but I still wanted to see him for myself, just to see that he really was doing all right.

Pre-school was drawing to an end and I had already been enrolled in the elementary school of my choice. Kita and Mai would be attending the same school, along with Souko and I. Suka, however, was fairly sure her parents were going to make her go to another school, which we were all disappointed to hear. There wasn't a lot we could do other than accept that she might not be at our new school with us and move on.

The media, predictably enough, had jumped on the story of a pre-school professional Go player and had all called a dozen or so times to set up interviews with me. When 'tousan realized how much money we could make from that alone I suddenly found myself with a publicist who would set up all the interviews in the best way possible. Meaning, in a way that wouldn't be overly taxingfor a vulnerable little child such as myself.

My publicist,Hara-san, was very nice and I began to like her even better after she realized she didn't have to "talk down" to me or treat me like a child. She had every intention of making me the poster-child for pro Go. I told her that was a noble goal, but to not get her hopes up too high – eventually I would grow up and it was doubtful that I would hold anynon-Go fan's attention after that. For now, everyone enjoyed the story of the child prodigy and information on me was printed in places other than just Go magazines. She, however, told me that if I could get people hooked on my story that whether they were Go fans or not wouldn't matter because they would still want to hear all about me. I liked the way she saw things.

It did seem that a lot of people were interested in me, though, and were rooting me.Well, mostly everyone. 'Kasan still had her reservations. All of my money was going into my account, which 'kasan closely monitored. It amazed her that I would be getting paid so much for my picture to be taken and for me to be interviewed. And that was just the start. I was dreading what she would think when I began receiving money for playing Go!

My pictures and stories began appearing in magazines. The writers seemed astonished that I had yet to lose a game of Go – they were speculating that I would be devastated when I finally did lose, now that I was going to be going up against pros. It amused me somewhat. If there was a pro out there that could beat me, I would be thrilled. I would enjoy a challenge and so far I had not faced anyone remotely worthy of challenging me. I secretly hoped that there was someone who was that good out there. The thought made me want to hunt down Touya Meijin and demand he play Go with me.

The day of my first match came around and I noticed there were a lot more people from the media there than there had been when Hikaru had played. I met Ochi for the first time in a corporeal body and I found I disliked him every bit as much as I had before. He not only talked down to me, presumably because of my age, but he didn't even have the decency to be polite, as if I were a nonentity or that I was too stupid to notice the slight. He made the comment to someone that it would be a short game and not at all challenging. That it was really a waste of his time to be here in the first place and however did I manage to make pro anyway? The standard of would-be Go players, he said, had to have gone down in recent years.

I suppose he thought that I wouldn't notice or hear what he was saying. But he was saying it openly, to the press, and I did notice and knew I would feel no guilt taking him down a notch or two.

It was a brutal game. All the more brutal because Ochi refused to resign when he rightfully should have. We played to the end and the margin at which I won was enough to make a grown man faint in pity. I smiled politely at him after it was over, but he didn't even seem to notice. He was in a deep state of shock and I was beaming as if it were Christmas. I answered all the questions I was asked from the media, but a few were more probing than others.

"I noticed that this game is considerably different than others you have played in the past. Can you explain that?" Obviously someone had been paying attention to theplaying style I had been carefully cultivating for myself as Shin. I silently congratulated them on their insight.

I looked the reporter right in the eye, a pleased rush of adrenaline still runningthrough me from the excitement of the match. For a moment I thought I should feel bad, then decided I shouldn't after all. He had deserved it. "I can. I really had no intention of winning by such a large amount. It usually isn't polite when involved in game in which you are facing aninferior opponent. However, I thought it was justified in this case because Ochi-san wasn't at all nice to me and I figured it might be a good idea to demonstrate how karma works."

They stared at me for a moment. I had momentarily dropped the child presence and didn't care. "So, you're saying that Ochi-san was an inferior opponent?"

"Oh, he's a very good player as far as that's concerned. He is a pro, after all. It's just that he's nowhere near as strong a player as I am. I don't mean to brag or sound full of myself," I added, "And it's commendable that he did as well as he did, but really the key here is that you should never underestimate or disregard an opponent because it can lead to a very big downfall."

"How strong of a player are you then?" another reporter demanded.

I was tempted to say that I was as good as Shusaku, but I was fairly sure no one would believe that. Plus, it would sound arrogant and I didn't want that. Even if I had played every one of Shusaku's games for him. So instead I simply said, "Well, we'll just have to see, won't we?"

The story was a hit. I was on the cover of every Go magazine and everyone wanted to see the game that I had played. I hadn't the heart to admit to anyone that I had been holding back because of how badly I had beaten Ochi. That was the only part I spared Ochifrom, as I had no desire to break him completely, just crack him a bit. No one should be so cocky that they overlooked common decency and politeness. The press very much enjoyed the irony of it all, noting whatOchi's quotes beforehand had been and that he had absolutely nothing to say to themafterwards. Preschooler recently turned Pro Go player defeats long-time Go Pro by a landslide. I think the only one who didn't think it was funny was Ochi himself.

After the excitement had passed for the most part and preschool had officially ended, I began a relaxing break. I enjoyed Go and the Go world enjoyed me, but it was nice to have nothing to do for a while. One evening as I was idly curled in front of the TV okasan approached me almost timidly. She and 'tousan had been whispering to each other quite a lot recently, but I had more or less ignored it. If they wanted to talk to me, they would. Apparently she wanted to talk to me now.

"Shin?" She sat down beside me on the couch then pulled me into her lap. "There's something I need to tell you, all right?" I nodded, relaxing back in her arms. "I'm… well, you're going to get baby brother or sister soon."

I tilted my head a bit to get a better look at her. "You don't know if it's a boy or girl yet?" She shook her head no. "I hope it's a girl."

'Kasan gave me a strange look and I wondered if I had only said that just because she would assume that that would be the last thing I wanted. Still, a little sister would be interesting. I liked the way their minds worked and as long as she never tried to dress me up as a doll I think we would get along rather well. "You want a little sister? Why?"

"Girls are nicer," I responded, as if that explained everything.

She seemed to be relieved that I accepted the news so well. Honestly I had my own selfish reasons for being pleased – another child meant her attention would be divided and she would have more on her mind than just me all the time. Then maybe she wouldn't insist on staying while I played matches and she would forget to see how much money I was making. No, I definitely did not mind the news one bit. Another child might just make her happy where I couldn't.

Before too long I was mingling with the pros on the day that I would be given my professional player certificate, but I did not have the freedom to explore as 'kasan was keeping me close. It was aggravating, really. Still, I stayed near enoughto her and was very well behaved. That is, until I saw him. I looked for an opening and escaped as soon as I could. It was easy to hide in the crowd because I was so small, though it was only a matter of time before 'kasanfound me so I only had a few minutes of peace.

He didn't notice me and I couldn't blame him. I wasn't exactly on eye level. So I reached up and tugged lightly on his sleeve. He blinked then looked down at me, smiling a little hesitantly. I never imagined him to be good with children so his reaction to seeing me wasn't surprising.However I'm not exactly a typical child, he just doesn't know that yet. "You're Touya Akira-san, ne?"

"Yes I am," he responded. What else could he say?

"And you're Shindou Hikaru-san's boyfriend, too, right?" Being a child can be fun. After all, how else could I have asked that so bluntly and make Akira blush so bright red if I hadn't been a child?

"Yes." Akira's voice was softer this time and sounded slightly strained.

I smiled up at him happily. "Good! I like Shindou-san." I would have gone on, but suddenly my arm was captured and I glanced back woefully into my 'kasan's eyes. That didn't take her long.

"Shin! You shouldn't run off like that." She looked as furious as I felt. She couldn't have waited to find me a moment or two more?

"I wanted to see Touya Akira-san," I explained, taking refuge in the childish explanation rather than a more truthful "I wanted to get rid of you for a bit so I could have an actual conversation with someone!"

'Kasan, naturally, had no idea who Akira was and so she merely smiled at him politely and introduced herself and me. As if I didn't know my own name.

"You're the young new pro I've been reading about," Akira said, turning a friendlier look upon me. I wondered if he disliked Ochi, too. "That was a very impressive game you played."

"It was fun, probably more fun that it should have been." Then I was forced to say goodbye because 'kasan dragged me away. The ability to be blunt, I decided, could not make up for the lack of freedom. I received my certificate and the schedule for of whoI would be playing and when. The schedule didn't interest me all that much. I wouldn't be playing anyone really challenging for a while, but at least I would be playing Go. Some of them might be just a bit tougher than the Insei I had played against had been, though not by a whole lot.

I had to make an effort of reminding myself that I was still extremely young no matter how old my soul was and that I had plenty of time to experience more of the pro world. I couldn't wait for school to start again, too. Souko, Kita, and Mai would take my mind off my impatience and help to ground me again.

-To be continued-

I know updates have slowed down on this fic. It does seem a bit odd (to me) to be changing tracks so often in fic writing. One week it's elves, then demons, then more elves, then the Mag7 boys… this really is my "slow" fic. Maybe it's because it's in first person? One moment I'm a storyteller and the next I'm Sai! I should be finishing up two, maybe three of my other fics soon, though so that will help me get chapters in faster. Of course, then I plan on starting more fics… ye gods! What's a person to do? It's a good thing I enjoy writing. lol


	7. Chapter Seven

Note: if you've been following my other recently updated fics you know all about my computer's fighting with Word (namely that it won't work). Well, it still isn't working so... Mr. Computer is going to the computer hospital (again) and I am going to look into getting another, newer, and persumably better computer. lol Therefore, updates may slow down a bit.

The Future of Go: Chapter Seven

by Ami-chan

When the news came I was somehow not surprised. 'Kasan, assuming there were no other complications, would be having a boy. I figured if I had said I wanted to have a brother it would have been a girl. They were already discussing names and I had no problems with being ignored. In fact, my happiest moments were when 'kasan forgot I was there at all, but she didn't do that very often. Not yet.

I had offically started my first year in school and my first year as a professional Go player; I was taking both one day at a time, though I found Go infinitely easier than dealing with the other children. Some of the children made an attempt to make my life very miserable, not the least of which was Akito, who had unfortunately ended up at the same elementary school that Souko, Mai, Kita, and I were attending. After meeting his parents I began to understand his behavior and I began to assume that each child that insulted or teased me was in the same boat. Akito's parents, it seemed, were holding me up as a standard, the 'ideal child' as it were. When I became this standard, I have no idea, but they saw me as well mannered, quiet, intelligent, and somehow perfect. I wasn't perfect, of course, but try telling them that. Really, they should have talked to 'kasan and she would have set them straight immediately.

"This must be Shin-chan."

I had nearly cringed at familiar usage of my name from a complete stranger's mouth. "Rude" was the first thought that popped into my head and it was only sheer politeness that kept me from snapping, "It's Yamamoto-san to you!" Instead, I turned to the direction of the speaker and found a couple staring down at me like I was a cute little puppy in a pet shop window. I nearly barked.

"We've heard so much about you and now we finally get to meet you!" the woman had gushed, making me take an involuntarily step backwards in fright. She was making way too big a deal out of me and she sounded rather... fake. Then I spotted Akito, half hiding behind her and what I assumed was her husband.

They had gone on to say it was amazing that I hadn't lost a match yet and was it true that I was as excellent a student as the magazines said? I hadn't read the magazines, actually, but I told them I wasn't a bad student. For some reason I knew that if I told them I had yet to get less than a perfect score on anything that it would only make it worse for Akito. I found myself feeling sorry for him and I was thankful that 'kasan only disliked me for being too good instead of having to hear that I was not good enough. For that was what they said, basically, and to me, a stranger. That "Akito should do better" and that "he needs to work harder" and the harshest of all, "Akito really needs to be more like you." No wonder he hated me. I would have hated me too if I had been in his place.

Being picked on wasn't a big deal to me. What amazed the bullies most, I think, was that I wasn't a "tattletale" - I had to have Souko-chan explain the meaning of the term to me - and moreover that I wasn't sucked into their meaningless taunts.

It was all a very bad influence on Souko, though, for she was so defensive of me that she inevitably stepped in. That made them accuse me of allowing a girl to protect me, but really she did a very good job of it and after she gave a second boy a black eye the teasing crawled to a more reasonable level. One look from Souko sent would-be tormentors scattering. It was lucky Souko was a girl. None of the boys she had beaten up dared breathe a word of it to anyone at the cost of being forever tormented by not only beinga tattletale, but for being defeated by a 'mere' girl.

Still I was content, even with the juvenile atmosphere because I still had my friends with me. I was even fine with the easy assignments though I did them so much faster than anyone else - getting them done first gave me the opportunity to help anyone else who neededand, more importantly, wanted my help. If not, I had free time in which to read through yet another Go book. There was so much that I still didn't know and I was learning more than I had ever hoped to learn. I had been strong before, there was no doubting it, but now I was even stronger. I found myself often times toying with the lesser pros that I was matched against, judging how they would react to different moves, making predictions, but always winning.

Not that I defeated anyone by the margin that I had poor Ochi, nor was I even close to as cruel. Still, the games I played weren't challenging to me, so to make them interesting I invented games, I handicapped myself, I tried out new moves, I invented things. Boredom, I found, was an affective motivator in trying new things. I found myself being more daring and creative than I would have dreamed possible. In doing so I was attracting the attention of higher up pros, who were studying my games with some awe and I was only showing them less than a tenth of my true strength. Some of the pros actually seemed to understand what I was doing, while others were completely clueless. I thought perhaps Hikaru would know, but there were no interviews that I could find where he stated anything more than that my current record was "impressive". It wasn't much to go on and I had yet to have the chance to talk to him in person.

Due to my success, the magazines continued to hound me; I made a good poster child for Go and according to all the statistics that I read about, the interest in Go had increased significantly. That was a good thing and I didn't mind smiling for pictures and giving interviews if it served a purpose like that. I found myself spendingincreasing amounts of time in my publicist, Hara-sans's, company rather than my 'kasan's and admittedly it was easier that way.

When I broke the record of consecutive number of wins in Go people were delighted, but when I kept winning they were shocked. Or, should I say that those that didn't understand Go were shocked - the pros themselves seemed resigned to the fact that I was good. Perhaps better than good. The headlines said things like "Youngest Go Pro is no Fluke!" and "How many more can he win?" while the pros shook their heads and wondered if I was at all stoppable. It was something I was looking for an answer to, as well.

In the midst of the thrill of my victories and the joy of being surrounded by my friends, I somehow realized that it couldn't last and that something had to happen to upset the balance. I was not happy to find that I was right. About five months into the school year my sensei decided to take the time to call my 'kasan. I was unaware of it at first, sitting quietly as I was and watching the latest Go news on TV, when I began to notice the conversation happening in the kitchen. It was rather quiet at first, but it was the excited tones that caught my attention.

"Can you believe it?"

"It is amazing, but we should really talk to Shin about it first before - "

'Tousan was interrupted by, "It would be perfect! We can do it immediately. Do you know what this means?"

"I really think we should ask Shin what he thinks." Having tuned into their conversation fully, I found myself inclined to agree. Shin might not think it would be so perfect, whatever it was.

"Why would we do that? Of course he'll agree."

My eyebrows rose in surprise. Of course I will? So nice of her to speak for me.

"Shinji, come here for a minute." I stood at the call and trotted into the kitchen where 'tousan was seated, watching 'kasan who had apparently been pacing in her excitement. Now she was watching me with glowing eyes and I wondered if this was how small prey felt when being eyed by a large predator.

"Hai, 'tousan? 'Kasan?" My feet took me to 'tousan and I leaned against him, his arm curling automatically around me. I wondered if he sensed that I wanted him to act as my champion in case I happened to disagree - heaven forefend - with 'kasan.

'Kasan was smiling widely as she explain, "Your sensei just called and she says that you've done so wonderfully that we should consider having you skip a grade. Or two."

My body went limp and if not for 'tousan's support I would have ended up on the floor. Skip a grade? Perhaps I had been doing _too_ well. Yet, I hesitated to crush 'kasan's excitement, her obvious hopes, but on the other hand... "I don't want to skip any grades. I want to stay right where I am."

Her smile faded instantly. Cold water would have done the exact same thing and probably wouldn't have made her look nearly as unfriendly. "Why not? You'll be able to do more advanced work, get to high school sooner and - "

"Be with people that are a lot older and bigger than I am! Rarely see Souko or Kita, or Mai!" I screamed. I hadn't meant to, but I had wanted her to shut up and I was feeling, if possible, more frustrated than she was. She wasn't even trying to understand my point of view; I already knew hers. She wanted the genius child, so long as it had nothing to do with Go. For once, for just one moment I wanted to be completelyselfish, to do something for me instead of for her. Did she even know how much I had tried to please her? Did she know how hard that was to do?

She stared at me in disbelief. Her quiet, obedient, passive to the point of being nearly catatonic son and said very softly, "Wouldn't you rather not be bored in class anymore?"

I barely noted the softer tones in my annoyance and demanded, rather angrily, "Do you even realize how much they already pick on me and you want to throw me in with kids that aren't even remotely my size? Do you have any idea how detrimental that would be? I have a hard enough time relating already and you want me to leave the only friends I have? NO!"

Later I would reflect upon the fact that she went silent for a long time and simply looked at me as if seeing me for the first time. Was this how a child was supposed to act? Loud? Demanding? Is that what she wanted from me? I thought not. Maybe she didn't know what she wanted, but I certainly did and this was not something I was willing to compromise on.

'Tousan defused the situation and suggested we both take some time to think about it and that a decision didn't have to be made immediately. The look I gave him clearly told him that my final decision had already been made. I was a bit slower in reading 'tousan than I normally would be, having had to force myself back into a relative state of calm, to see that he was only attempting to separate us for a while so that he could talk sense into 'kasan. Clearly he had had his doubts about the entire thing and hearing my response had only cemented it. Iexited the room quickly and left them to debate.

The next day I was in class, which was actually two days after the phone call came because of yet another pro match I had to attend, I waited until all my other classmates had left for lunch to approach my sensei. She was a nice person and a good sensei and I was trying very hard to remember that as I approached her. Still, she was the one that had put that awful idea into 'kasan's head.

"Is there something I can do for you Shin-kun?" Her voice was pleasant, which helped to calm me without sidetracking me.

"Yes, there is. You can forget about trying to get me to skip any grades immediately."

She was puzzled for a moment and her reply showed it, "Is there something you don't like about that idea? I've noticed you always have lots of free time and that this work isn't at all challenging for you. Having noticed how you interact with your classmates I think you would be able to handle being with older students."

Mature. She was telling me I was mature. Great. "I can give you three very good reasons and I doubt any of them will be skipping any grades. And no, don't tell me I'll make new friends, I don't want to hear that. You don't understand, so I will explain it - I am happy right where I am. I don't want to advance, I don't care if I'm bored, I want to stay here."

"It would allow you to get a better start, though. You'll be able to get into high school earlier and than college."

I only just managed not to interrupt her. When she finished I said calmly and evenly, "I don't care about school. I am only going because I have to. Okay? My career, my goals are all centered on Go. Maybe I'll go to high school, but maybe not. College? I will have to see when I get there." Then, before she could overcome her shock I added, "If you press this issue I have no problem with failing everything you try to get me to do, or at least doing badly enough so that I'll be barely getting by. I will be your worst student if I have to be, but I am staying right where I am. Why complicate things needlessly? Just let it go."

"You feel very strongly about this."

I nodded.

"I was only offering a suggestion to your parents on what they could do. If it's not what you want, then you certainly shouldn't be forced into it. Perhaps you aren't ready yet for such a change."

I went to lunch feeling accomplished. I didn't even mind the fact that she was beginning to think I wasn't nearly as mature and stable as she had originally thought. After that things went fairly smoothly with no more mentions of trying to get me into a different grade level.

It wasn't exactly unexpected when 'kasan went into labor when I was playing a match, as at that point she was only days away from her "official" due date. Hana-san had taken me to the match, as had become our custom and I didn't mind her company at all. That and she protected me from the reporters. Afterwards, instead of answering questions for the press, Hana-san took me directly to her awaiting car and there, away from the reporters she told me that we were going to the hospital to see my new baby brother, Kisho.

I was relieved. 'Kasan would be so busy with the new baby now and I could stand being ignored.

I wished Kisho a tolerant nature on the drive to the hospital because I had a feeling that no matter what 'kasan would fuss over him as much, if not more, than she had done for me. If not, perhaps 'kasan could get a dog or something else to occupy her.

-To be continued-

I'm a bit of a twit, I'll admit it. When I started this fic I just knew that Sai's reincarnated name had to be Shin, from there it became Shinji. Why? I had no idea. It just fit. Then, when I was looking over my outlines it suddenly clicked. Any RW/YST (aka Ronin Warriors/Y. Samurai Troopers) fans out there? Yes? What was Shin's wussy (American) dub name? Yes, Sai (or the anti-masculine spelling of Cye?). So, in RW Sai was actually (or originally) Shin. In this fic Shin is actually (or originally) Sai. Somehow I made this connection ages ago and my brain has only now realized it. Maybe because it has been ages since I've even thought of RW/YST. lol


	8. Chapter Eight

I'll try not to take so long next time. WaT demanded fics and since I had a momentary block in this fic, despite my pretty outlines,I went with it.

The Future of Go: Chapter Eight

by Ami-chan

I had expected Kisho to be loud and generally annoying for a while as all babies were, but 'kasan did not seem to be as prepared for it as I had been. Perhaps she had assumed Kisho would be like I had been and thus thought all those horror stories about being up all hours of the night with a screaming infant were false. In an amazingly short amount of time I was more or less completely forgotten. I got up by myself, dressed, made my own breakfast with the aid of a step stool so that I could reach the kitchen counter, and walked to school or, on the days I had Go matches, waited for Hana-san to pick me up. The freedom of it all delighted me. This was how I was used to living and being and yet I still could not forget that I was a small child by all appearances.

I tolerated the press conferences that focused on all of my current wins and even touched on Kisho – how did I like being a big brother? With a smile and some childish trite answer I had them ooing and awing over me and had Inot been trying for that reaction it would have made me ill. As long as people were still interested I was going to give them what they wanted because I might as well be making someone happy.

After Kishowas severalweeks old, his constant fussing and unrest finally got to 'kasan. It had been building up for some time but it was still unexpected to come home and find 'kasan sobbing uncontrollably even as Kisho cried fitfully in her arms. I very quietly put my backpack down and wandered over to the lounge chair she had settled in and reached out for my little brother. She stirred and blinked at me, but didn't protest when I took Kisho from her and held him against my shoulder, rubbing his back in soothing circles until he quieted down.

"How?" her voice was rough and she sniffed loudly as she brushed tears away from her eyes.

"He doesn't like to be held that way," I suggested with a shrug as I curled up at her feet and let Kisho doze off on my shoulder. There would probably end up being drool on my shirt, but I decided that didn't matter all that much. At least 'kasan was starting to calm down.

For some reason Kisho liked me. There were several possible explanation for that and probably themost reasonable that I could justify was that I wasn't anxious or nervous around him at all. Nor was I loud or moody and I never broke down in tears of frustration. Those were purely my own observations that I had no intention of sharing and when I soon found myself amusing Kisho when 'kasan was unable to do anything for him I never complained.

Later when Kisho refused to eat I found myself taking care of that, too. It nearly surprised me, 'kasan's sudden distance toward Kisho after she had been so anxious to have a "normal" son, but in a way it made sense. People may think they want something that they really don't and 'kasan had not been prepared to handle a child after having me, an ancient spirit reincarnated into a child's body. If all else failed there was still the dog idea. She might like a dog. Or a hamster or even a fish.

Sunday was usually a good day. No school, no Go matches, a day to relax. Except that one SundayI was left home by myself with Kisho. I saw it happening I was just unable to stop it. 'Tousan told 'kasan he was working today as he did sometimes and 'kasan had mentioned having some get together with her friends. They both left at different times and neither saw the other leave and just sort of assumed the other was still home. But, other than the fact that Kisho was heavy for me to carry since I was still so little I didn't have a problem with taking care of him.

It could have been an excruciating day if Kisho hadn't liked me, but since he did it made things go so much smoother. When he finally fell asleep I was relieved. Kisho was extremely active but when he was asleep it was nearly impossible to wake him so I was free to watch TV.

'Kasan and 'tousan returned at nearly the same time and when they saw each other everything seemed to click into place and they had a brief panic until they finally spotted Kisho and I on the couch. 'Kasan ignored me in favor of hugging Kisho who slept on peacefully despite her cooing. I did get a hug from 'tousan, though, and he said something along the lines of me being very responsible and that I was a "good boy." He also said that he was sorry that I had to take care of everything by myself; I got nothing of the sort from 'kasan who suddenly seemed to think that Kisho had been in imminent danger even though she'd seen me taking care of him before. I didn't try to understand it.

The year progressed rapidly, I had no loses in Go, Kisho continued to grow – and I think his preferences for me, either because I was more his own size or less moodyor for some other reason I couldn't fathom, was beginning to get on 'kasan's nerves – and school was going very well despite my absences because of Go. During one interesting match, in which 'kasan had insisted I was to watch Kisho (this she justified by saying that Hara-san would be there too so it wasn't like she was leaving Kisho alone with me even if she really was), I played the entire game with my baby brother perched on my lap. I made my moves quickly so that I could amuse Kisho the rest of the time.

I think the observers were shocked because not only did I have the distraction of Kisho being there, but I was playing so rapidly, almost carelessly to their eyes. But I was still winning. It was a short match, since I decided a quick win would be better so Kisho didn't get too bored and decide to start screaming or crying or something else of that nature. In fact, the only time Kisho fussed at all was when Hara-san tried to take him away from me and other than that he was reasonably well behaved.

"It is true that you played the entire game while holding your little brother?"

It seemed obvious to me what that answer was, since I was still holding Kisho, but I dutifully answered for the cameras, "Yes, that's true."

"This was a short game and you still managed to win, despite the distraction. Can you comment on that?"

Again I smiled, even as I directed most of my attention to Kisho. "I had to make it a short game because Kisho doesn't like staying still for that long."

"So you changed your usual style? Go fans everywhere are surprised by the many different playing styles you use during your games, can you explain how you've managed to gain such a wide knowledge of Go in such a short amount of time?"

Before I could respond with something along the lines of, "I've been playing Go for most of my life and that's not a short amount of time for me," Hara-san stepped in, waved off the press and nudged me toward the nearest exit. I took a deep breath and thanked her softly. She gave me a one-armed hug, mindful of Kisho, and told me it wasn't a problem, that it was her pleasure.

Summer break did not seem nearly long enough and I spent as much time as possible with Souko, Kita, Mai, and even Suka who none of us had seen much during the school year. We played soccer in the park and sometimes basketball though the hoop was too high for us to do very well at all. The rest of the time I spent helping out with Kisho, continuing studying the games of other pros and pouring over Go books, and generally enjoying myself.

With the money I made as a pro I bought myself a computer and sometimes I played Go online, reviving my old screen name "Sai". I was amused when the Go community started bubbling with the rumors about Sai and why he had disappeared for so long. It made me wonder what Hikaru's reaction to it all was and if it was possible that he suspected. On the other hand, there had been a lot of imposter "Sai"s over the years so most likely he thought it was just another person that was good at Go using the name.

At the beginning of school, 'kasan informed me that I would start going to a cram school. She had been nosing around and discovered exactly how much I was making as a pro and her resulting alarm that I was making so much had caused a brief argument between her and 'tousan. 'Tousan thought it was a good thing because it would easily pay for high and college along with anything else I might want. In the end she decided that since money really wasn't a problem that I could attend a cram school. I wasn't exactly happy with the idea, but to appease her I agreed anyway. Her focus now seemed to be on getting me into an excellent middle school, then high school, and probably turning me into a doctor or something from there. I hated to crush her dreams, but becoming a doctor was most certainly not on my to-do list. Until she realized that, I could deal with cram school. (1)

It turned out that cram school really wasn't so bad and was, actually, more fun than normal school. It did cut into my time, however, and between that, regular school, being a professional Go player, and helping out with Kisho I didn't have much time to relax. I did manage to spend some time with my friends, but mostly that was at lunchtime on the days I actually went to school.

"I don't know how you do it all," Souko said, shaking her head. "I have a hard enough time keeping up with everything as it is."

Before I had a chance to comment, Mai exclaimed, as if suddenly remembering, "I saw your picture in a magazine yesterday!" She was smiling widely as she dragged out a slightly crumpled magazine that was not specifically relating to Go, but was directed at a younger audience. "It's on the most famous kids and you're on the list, see?"

I vaguely recalled something about that so I nodded. "Yeah. I don't think I'll ever get used to seeing myself in those things, but it's kind of nice."

"'The hottest thing to hit the Go world since Shindou and Touya Akira-san'," Souko quoted as she peered over at the article Mai was holding out to us. "They do look good together. You've met Touya-san haven't you?"

"Briefly, but 'kasan interrupted before I could say much. He probably thought I was just another annoying kid. I've seen glimpses of Shindou-san, too, but it will be a while before I'm actually playing against him."

Kita was leaning over, scanning the article thoughtfully. "You're amazing, Shin, you know that? You've destroyed all the previous Go records, including Touya Akira-san's. They say you're undefeatable."

"Oh, I doubt that. I just haven't been matched against anyone yet that _can_, but that doesn't mean I won't ever meet someone that can defeat me."

Then the topic switched, as quickly as that, the moment forgotten and we discussed all the homework we'd been given and how Mai had felt like a klutz in gym class and how Souko was sure her hair looked horrible today and why couldn't it ever look right? Kita, who was a member of the art club, showed us some of her drawings and proceeded to criticize them while we all told her how wonderful they were. The other two were also in clubs; Mai was in chorus while Souko was involved in tennis. I was happy with Go.

I was soon to learn that 'kasan was not nearly so pleased with my life being taken up with Go and cram school was only enough to satisfy her for that one year. After that, at the start of Grade 3 she had picked upyet another thing for me to do. Everyone else's children were in clubs so I had to be in one, too. It didn't matter that there were children who were not in clubs and also didn't attend cram school and they most certainly were not pro Go players, either. That wasn't the point. So I agreed, not that I was given much of a choice.

"She _what_?" It was practically a shriek and after noticing the looks she was getting, Souko quieted down, her eyes narrowing coldly. "How can she do that? Shin, you're already involved in so much. How can she expect you to be involved in a club, too? Doesn't being a Go pro count as more than enough to fit into 'club' material?"

"That isn't right." Mai was shaking her head, her look concerned. "How will you be able to keep up with anything that way?"

Kita was more practical. "Join a club and don't go to any of the meetings. It's as simple as that." There were agreements all around.

It was a good idea, except, "The point of joining a club is to actually go to the meetings. Besides, I'm sure she'd check to make sure I was going. I'm just going to have to make it works somehow."

Kita thought I should join the art club – I was decent at drawing, but it wasn't as demanding as, say, tennis. Mai and Souko both said I should join chorus, but I was sure I couldn't sing so I thought that wasn't a great idea. Instead I ended up choosing the join the drama club. After all, I spent most of my time acting, pretending, and besides that I said that I could work behind the scenes rather than actually performing.

As it turned out I was pretty good at sewing which came in handy when making costumes. A talent that, before, I knew nothing about. Building the sets was even better, though I ended up missing quite a few meetings because of Go or cram school. It did seem as if I was always being pulled in one direction or another and I had to keep up somehow and that was exactly when my grades started to slip. I was exhausted, but I kept trying.

"A 4? You got a 4?" It was like the end of the world. (2) To her, maybe it was. I'd never gotten anything below a perfect score before.

"It's a good score," I managed to say and 'tousan backed me up. He even went so far as to say that she shouldn't put so much pressure on me.

She ignored both of us, lost in some panic that I didn't understand and perhaps had something to do with the fact that maybe I wasn't perfect after all. I hoped that she wouldn't do this to Kisho, too."If you can't get better scores than this you can't play Go."

It suddenly occurred to me why I had killed myself in my first life. I was beginning to understand it all over again. Instead, I nodded woodenly and forced myself to study more. I found myself eating less, sleeping less and pushing myself harder because the one thing I enjoyed above all else was Go. The loss of that I didn't think I could survive.

'Kasan had no cause to be unhappy after that and I didn't have time to worry if she was.

The effects of my increased studying wasn't immediately obvious and for atime I was able to keep up and nothing suffered for it. Then, I had several near losses in two Go matches and the Go world began to speculate that I was reaching the end of my winning streak. Some said it was about time I lost.Four years, they said, was an extremely long time and I had to fall sometime. In a way I agreed and I began to wonder if it was really worth it, if anything was really worth it because I wasn't sure there was a point to moving or speaking or even breathing anymore.

Then it all came to a somewhat dramatic conclusion that I had never anticipated but should have suspected. I was playing another Go match and was trying desperately to stay awake. The mistakes I was making an infant could have seen were horrible and I managed to pull it together enough to just squeak by with a victory. We went over the game at the end and I was fine. I thought I was fine, anyway. Except when I stood up to leave everything began to spin around me. I had just enough presence of mind left to fall backward, away from the hard wooden Go board in front of me and when I woke up again it was to the sound of a beeping machine.

-to be continued-

(1) I have seen it written that cram schools in Japan can focus on getting kids into good middle schools (and perhaps they didn't call them "middle schools"… but the school between elementary and high school at any rate), so they do and can start that early.

(2) Grading system on a scale of 5-1; 5 (excellent), 2 (pass mark), 1 (fail). So, a 4 is like getting a B.


	9. Chapter Nine

I'm glad everyone likes 'kasan so much. LOL Or, should I say that I'm glad everyone likes Sai/Shin so much that they hate his okasan.

Also, it suddenly occurred to me that I hadn't explained something properly. No one caught it, but I guess that's okay. Hara-san, (male) retired pro Go player is related to Hara-san (female) the publicist which is how Sai/Shin's parents got information on getting him a publicist in the first place – yay for connections. Hara-san (female) is the man's niece… and no I've never given either of them given names. Maybe someday.

The Future of Go: Chapter Nine

by Ami-chan

I recognized that I was in a hospital room immediately and for a moment I couldn't remember why until I heard Hara-san's voice beside me, whispering in concern. "Shinji?" Her hand was curled around mine and I stared at her until her face came into focus.

"What happened?" The last thing I recalled was being at the Go Institute having just finished a match. I was about to leave and then everything got hazy from there.

"You collapsed." The relief in her eyes was more than obvious and Hara-san brushed the hair from my eyes, offering me a strained smile in an attempt to lighten the mood. "The press is going to have a field day with this. They said it was from exhaustion."

I nodded in absent agreement, glad she had phrased it that way instead of saying that I had fainted or passed out. Saying 'collapsed' sounded like I had just stumbled or fallen over for a bit rather than crashing onto the floor and not remembering being transported to the hospital. My head didn't hurt so I figured that I had managed not to fall onto the Go board. Having a concussion would have just made things all that much worse.

"Shinji! Shinji!" 'Kasan was suddenly shoving her way into the room and I caught a glimpse of the hallway beyond and the flash of cameras on the other side of the door. Yes, Hara-san was right; this was going to be a big story. That was wonderful. "Are you all right?"

It was probably cruel of me to actually be shocked that she was worried. I almost laughed and I probably would have if I had had the presence of mind to do so. She was holding Kisho in her arms and he was struggling in annoyance because he liked to try to walk on his own now. As soon as he saw me Kisho's struggles increased and he began chanting my name and trying to reach for me until finally 'kasan was forced to set him down beside me. I attempted to sit up, but Hara-san precluded that by adjusting the bed until I was in propped upright enough to reach Kisho. "How are you doing Sho?"

The look on his eyes was what I could only describe as devastated, yet he was smiling and happy to see me. I doubted 'kasan's erratic mood had helped to reassure him that everything was fine and she did look concerned.

"My poor baby," 'Kasan murmured and for a moment I thought she was talking about Kisho until she began placing kisses across my face and holding me as much as she could manage because of the bars of the bed and the wires around me. "I came as soon as I heard, but they said you're okay, that it's going to be fine." Her eyes darted toward Hara-san as if seeking confirmation of that before 'kasan's gaze focused back onto me.

Kisho was tugging at my hand and my gaze turned to him as my sluggish mind tried to comprehend what was going on. So, fainting was good because now she was concerned about me? I didn't have long to think about before the door was thrown open once more, once more there was the clicking of cameras and the voices of reporters who were trying to be quiet and the hospital security that was obviously trying to get the media to leave. This time it was 'tousan that entered, his pace quick though he was apparently attempting not to look too hurried or to run.

He breathed a sigh as he reached the opposite side of the bed from 'kasan, mindful of the machines I was hooked up to, one of which was apparently pumping some clear liquid into me. "Shin." His hands took possession of my hand and arm while I mustered up the energy to smile up at him as assuredly as I could manage. "I've talked with the doctor and he suggested that you've been involved in too many things and that you should cut back on your activities so that you can have more free time." Here 'tousan glanced at 'kasan and though no words were exchanged the meaning was clear.

'Kasan nodded, but I knew she had missed his point when she uttered the words: "It's obvious you should quit playing Go."

I didn't recall doing it, but I must have screamed because 'tousan, 'kasan, Hara-san, and Kisho all jumped and the machine beside me began beeping like crazy. A nurse rushed in a moment later to check on me and paused at the look on my face. My vital signs were much improved and the machine was disconnected so that I could have my fit and not set off any alarms. Only, my "fit" was over, having lasting only a second or two and afterwards I was just… tired.

I had almost no reaction when 'kasan offered tentatively, "It would be less stressful for you if you weren't playing Go anymore."

"You'd have to kill me to keep me from playing," I returned, entirely serious, but too worn out to do more than blink.

'Tousan, who had never let go of me, asked, "What would you like to do, Shin?"

That was my glimmer of hope and I stared up at him as I considered all the possibilities. I couldn't drop out of regular school, I knew that, but, "Cram school? I don't want to go." It was fun, yes, but homework from two schools was far too much, especially since I seriously doubted I would go beyond high school – or maybe I'd skip high school, too. I still had years before I had to make that decision. I almost suggested dropping drama club and yet I'd found myself enjoying it to some degree and as fun as Go was for me, I got more human interaction through the club activities. If it got to be too much I could always tell 'tousan I wanted to quit.

"All right, Shin, no more cram school." Though I believed 'tousan and knew then and there that I would never have to go to another cram school again, I also saw the expression on 'kasan's face. She was worried about me, yes, but she didn't want me to stop any of her activities for me, she wanted to stop the only thing I had ever done just to do. If I thought screaming at her would help I might have, but even if I thought that would work, I didn't feel up to doing much of anything.

I almost didn't say anything, but figuring that this was my best opportunity to finally get a bit of leniency – and since I wasn't planning on being admitted to the hospital again any time soon – I pressed my luck just a bit. "And my grades?"

'Tousan caught my drift immediately. "Just do your best, Shin. That's all we've ever wanted." My eyes narrowed just a bit, my eyes darted toward 'kasan and back to him. He winced, lowered his voice and added, "That's all I've ever wanted."

There was a heavy feeling that fell around us, pure likeenergy crackling through the air and the only thing I could do was close my eyes and wait out the storm. "What? Are you trying to blame this," 'kasan demanded with a vague gesture in my direction, "on me?"

"Maybe if you hadn't put so much pressure on him – "

"So, what? I'm a horrible parent, is that it? Because I want what's best for _my_ son?"

And oooh that had been brewing for a while hadn't it? I tugged Kisho toward me and sneaked a glance at Hara-san whose eyes had gone surprisingly wide. Obviously she didn't want to be here for this but she also wasn't about to abandon me, either. I appreciated Hara-san's loyalty.

"Shin is _our_ son and I want what's best for him, too. It obviously wasn't working otherwise it never would have come to this."

"And that's _my_ fault?"

Hara-san coughed loudly, interrupting them. They both fell silent but it was clear that 'kasan, at least, was not ready to drop the issue by a long shot. With Hara-san right there she merely glared and bit her tongue, waiting in silence as a nurse came to check on me again and then as the doctor came to declare that I was able to go home. I was mentally trying to calculate when it would be appropriate for me to get my own place and just as quickly gave up. All I knew for certain was that it wasn't yet and it wasn't worth the time to speculate.

The next few weeks I suffered through the media's attention and the attention of, well, everyone. My friends and senseis were concerned. Many of my other classmates were merely curious while others purposely went out of their way to taunt me, suggesting that I was weak and "girly". Souko blackened several eyes in that time and it seemed to me if she were the standard of "girly" that it wasn't a bad thing at all. Unless you were thinking about it in the overly violent protective sort of sense and that that was a bit bad, but she did mean well.

At the very least the articles published about me were interesting and the speculation really wasn't that far from the truth. For the most part, anyway. They suggested that I was/had been working too hard, while on the other hand they suggested that a child was incapable of maintaining the required schedule, concentration, and skill in order to be a professional Go player. I disagreed with that part. With my slightly relaxed schedule I was able to resume my typical playing level, which meant that I had to tame down my games to keep myself from completely overwhelming my opponents.

"I can't believe this!" Souko-chan slammed a magazine onto my desk, glaring at it like it was the most hateful thing in existence. "Look!"

I scanned the title of the article, "Predicting the Fall of Yamamoto Shinji's Game". I glanced up at her again, wondering at her anger and at the fact that she seemed to read more articles on me than my parents or I did. "What's wrong with it?"

"They want you to lose!"

Oh. I smiled up at her in amusement. "Of course they do. That would make a great story, wouldn't it?"

Her anger faded into a confused frown. "You're not worried about it?"

"There's always a winner and a loser. The odds are that I will eventually lose." Provided the player was skilled enough to defeat me. I knew my eyes were gleaming when I looked at her. "I wouldn't mind meeting someone who could challenge me even if it meant losing." Even now I was still seeking desperately for the divine move.

"Isn't the point to want to win?" Souko asked, curious now.

"That's part of it, but not the whole point. The point is to challenge yourself, to do your best and to get better. In every loss there's a lesson learned."

"But Shin, you've never lost."

I left it at that. I had lost numerous times when I first started and I still remembered it and my determination to become better, each loss compelling me to learn more, to think more. It had been challenging, interesting and I had never been alone. The realization struck me then that I _wanted_ to lose. I wanted to find someone who was better than I was just so I could feel that sensation again, but I certainly wasn't going to lose on purpose.

I continued to apply myself to Go while also concentrating on my friends, the drama club, Kisho, and school work. The only subject I had difficulty in was English; even so 'kasan had no room to complain, I made certain of that.

Before I knew it Kisho was starting preschool. Kisho wanted to go everywhere I went, do everything I did, but he quickly grew frustrated with the concept of Go even though he desperately wanted to learn how to play. Or, he thought he wanted to know how to play. Usually I'd end up taking him to the park and pushing him on the swings or we'd bring a soft ball or soccer ball to amuse ourselves with. Kisho liked soccer best, since that only involved kicking the ball and not trying to hit the ball with a bat.

Every now and again the drama club would insist that I actually played a part – they suggested that I was too pretty to keep off the stage even though I told them I preferred to be in the background. By pretty they meant that I was good for girl roles and once or twice I actually got to be a male character. My latest role had me as a fair maiden who had almost no lines, which I liked, but also had me being kissed by a heroic knight played by another boy. Not that he actually kissed me. He got close enough to make it look like a kiss and that was it. The girls complained about the oversight but I didn't.

The day I was waiting for, Souko-chan's birthday, was fast approaching. Every year she had some sort of party at her house and I had yet to miss one. I knew she'd like the present I'd gotten her because it was a gold charm bracelet I knew she'd been eying for some time. It had lots of little animals on it like a horse, a bear, a rabbit, an elephant and a few others. I'd wrapped it myself in silver wrapping paper and tied with a red ribbon and even if it was a bit messily done I didn't think Souko would mind.

Everything was perfect until 'kasan told me, "Shinji, you have to pick up Kisho on Thursday and then come straight home. I'll be out…"

I didn't hear anymore of what she had to say and by the time I managed to she'd finished speaking and was waiting for my response. "'Kasan, you said I could go to Souko-chan's party on Thursday."

"You can't go now you have to watch your brother." She made it sound as if it were the easiest thing in the world to do.

"I can take him with me!" I knew I sounded slightly desperate but it was only because I was.

"No. You're to come straight home."

There was no reasonable argument I could have made and I knew that. She'd made up her mind and there would be no persuading her, but that didn't make it any less difficult to swallow. I turned away to retreat somewhere – to my room, to play Go most likely, to distract myself even momentarily – except that when I turned I nearly trampled Kisho who had been standing almost directly behind me. Kisho did not look happy but he wasn't looking at me at all. He was looking at 'kasan. Or, rather, 'kasan's back because she hadn't bothered to face me to speak to me.

"Okasan!" His scream made 'kasan jump and spin around to face him in surprise.

"Kisho?"

The angry expression on his face did not alter and if anything it got only worse. "Why do you hate him so much? Why?"

Now she just looked terribly confused. "What do you mean? Hate who?"

"Shin! Why do you hate Shin? What did he ever do to you?" Kisho was so angry he was shaking, his fists clenched tightly and the beginnings of tears stinging his eyes. I wanted to move to comfort him and yet I was far too stunned to do anything as if I were an impartial observer.

"I don't hate Shinji." She looked surprised and her eyes darted toward me; my eyes were focused on Kisho.

"Then why won't you let him go!"

'Kasan was shaking her head. "I said he couldn't, Kisho, so he can't."

The next words out of Kisho's mouth were garbled by tears, but not so much so that we didn't get the basic gist of it – something about hating 'kasan for being so mean to me – and then he was stomping off presumably to his own room. 'Kasan stared after him for a while then looked down at me. I didn't look back. When I got my mind working again I followed after Kisho. I tried to calm him down and assure him that it was all right but I didn't do a very passable job at it because we both knew I wasn't "all right" with it and I couldn't change that.

Souko was upset when I told her I couldn't go to her party and tried to talk me into going anyway, that it would be okay if I brought Kisho, too. As much as I didn't want to disappoint her I told her that I couldn't and I meant it. She understood even if she wasn't happy about it.

On Thursday I brought her present with me and she opened it up at lunchtime; she was as ecstatic about it as I thought she'd be. Then her smile faded as she remembered why I had given it to her earlier instead of at her party. "Are you sure you won't come?"

"You know I want to."

She could only nod at that.

After school let out I went to Kisho's preschool and began to head back home. Only Kisho firmly planted his feet and refused to move. "Sho, we have to go home now."

"No!" He attached himself to my arm and I sighed in frustration. "We're going to Souko's party!"

"You know we can't do that, Sho."

Kisho shook his head stubbornly. "We're going!" He was incredibly stubborn and we both knew it. After a few more moments of resisting I finally agreed as he knew I would. It wasn't as if I didn't want to go. Once I'd given in he instantly became more agreeable and he chattered the entire way there – they'd painted that day and had gotten everything, according to him, covered in paint, but then they had to clean it all up. Not quite all, I noticed; he still had traces of red and blue paint underneath his fingernails, but that was a small detail. At least he hadn't gotten any in his hair.

When Souko opened the door she was delighted and asked what had happened to change my mind. I pointed to Kisho and she laughed and ushered us inside. Souko's otousan was there, as always. I wasn't entirely sure what had happened to Souko's okasan but I assumed she'd either left them or died and I didn't want to ask either way. At any rate she wasn't around. I liked her 'tousan, though, and he seemed to like me well enough, too. I settled in to enjoy the party with Mai, Kita, and Suka who we still kept in touch with, along with several others. There were cupcakes and party favors and music and games and it wasn't until it was all over that I remembered to dread the return home.

-to be continued-


End file.
